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Argeus the Paladin -> RE: Myrmidon - Comments (3/10/2009 2:43:04)
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Mammoth Tank assembled and ready to roll over a couple of Knightmares. So here we go.
1) Techincal aspect (From now on, all of Argeus' "Grammar/vocab/punctuation/everything else dictionary related" shall be renamed as such)
quote:
Their intelligence was so mighty that they could construct an arsenal of weapons that emitted light, which cold pierce through a heart of diamond.
It is implied that aggregately, humanity as a race should have a multitude of arsenals of various weapons and designs. See where I am coming from?
quote:
Releasing his rage on the weapon, seeing that it was too weak to slay the monster on time, he punched it several times, creating a dent on the iron blade.
The structure of this sentence is slightly cumbersome, or was it just me?
quote:
The silver Myrmidon gathered the anger into his fists and unsheathed a dagger from a scabbard tied to his waist
Now here, the soldier's armor, instead of himself, should be silver. So, I suggest "silver-clad". This applies to a multitude of cases below.
quote:
Turning his attention to the rather-unarmored mortal
The hyphen is unnecessary here.
quote:
A few feet away from it was its head, which was decapitated when the Myrmidon delivered his final blow.
The "which" clause is slightly redundant, as in, not really needed in this scenario.
quote:
The strike on his side was his only casualty
Uh... no. "Casualty" actually means the count of units/soldiers neutralized (by means of being wounded or MIA or KIA) in combat, rather than damage count itself. Here, a simpler "injury" can do well better, IMO.
quote:
he lowered his head to see his injury.
"Examine" will do wonders here...
quote:
“Not much, your majesty.”
Hmm... normally the title "Your Majesty" is ONLY applied to Lelouch Vi Britannia when he has that all-so-regal Emperor outfit on, and those of equivalent status. Not even Queen Amidala was addressed such - Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan addressed her just simply "Your Highness". See what I mean?
quote:
“Don’t give yourself all the blame. You weren’t capable of doing it on time. Besides, no one is blaming you or anything,”
Contradiction Alert! Normally, "You weren’t capable of doing it on time" in itself is very much a blame, and VERY OFTEN precedes the You Have Outlived Your Usefulness speech. If you want to have the princess's view to be sympathetic, I highly suggest rewording the above.
quote:
“Yes, my Lord,” he replied as if he had lost control of himself.
Cue to Sir Integra Hellsing. If you know what I mean...
Okay, that's about it for the Prologue and C. 1. Most of it is without flaw, but some of those that are not, are extremely hilarious. Imagine Suzaku addressing Nunnally "My Lord"...
2) Conceptual aspect (From now on, all of Argeus' "The Story/The Concept/etc." shall be renamed as such)
quote:
Because of all the glorious feats of my race, the deity known as Arkanthor took humanity into consideration. He gave my ancestors an offer, one that brought about a new race of creatures: demigods. He took hundreds of women, impregnating them with his children. But this had led to two problems, one warned about, the other only to be predicted by a brilliant mind. As they had conceived the offspring of Arkanthor, those women became time bombs, only to self-destruct when the child is born. A non-divine couldn’t handle the bearing of a divine being.
Wait a second... Just... wait a second. Although you have every rights to plot your own mythology, there are... quirks... that takes the sense out of the very concept.
Demigod is not, and logically so, a race. In a scientific context (as in, genetic engineering and the likes) it would be another story, but in this context (i.e. mythology) it is very unlikely that a deity, in the correct mindset, would choose to procreate children on an industrial scale.
There are many reasons:
1) The biggest offender of polygamy and child mass-production in Greek Mythology (and arguably worldwide) is Zeus. And he knows that there's a limit - the more he courts with ladies, the more likely he will sire a child that will bring about his own destruction.
2) The point of most mythological pantheon is that gods try to limit themselves from directly interfering into mortal business for obvious reasons any KoO can answer in a sentence. (The spoiler serves as an example from my own work)
spoiler:
Argeus Elmarian Sunrise, at the end of Seisen Engi, OHKO'd THE best Vampire Slayer of the Church. And he's not even a god - just an angel. A god's intervention would have had a vastly more drastic effect on the balance of the plot (as in, annihilating half a thousand elite vampire assassins in ONE STROKE).
3) From the two above points, in the case of a polytheistic pantheon, the other gods apparently wouldn't just stand and watch as one of their Nakama go to have an arguably shady trade with mortal beings.
The bottom line is, the scenario you've drawn out is... quite unlikely, judging from the setting. However, it's your call, after all.
quote:
“Your friend?” he asked, sounding surprised. “I was really in a shock when you said that. Sure that we had been classmates when we were young… but we were not that close.” Out of respect, he halted himself from saying that she was feeling close, despite that they barely knew each other.
“But we still talked, right? A friendship can’t survive with nothing but silence. That’s the power of words. Words are so powerful that even the royal family uses them to command the Myrmidons.” Starting to develop an interest in the conversation, Alexander took his seat on the bed, and continued listening. He was eager to learn about the royal family’s power as he expected it to be the topic of the discussion.
However, despite her mentioning, the subject of their talk was far from it. “Remember last night? It was stormy, wasn’t?” she continued. The man replied with a nod. His interest started to fade. “Even though I didn’t know who you really were, I was able to see what kind of person was behind that golden mask. I never knew your name… but I…”
Waiting for answer, the warrior gave the woman a puzzled look. “If you really don’t want to tell me whatever it is you’re planning to say, I could be going now.” Accompanying those words, the man’s legs stiffened, supporting him as he motioned to stand up.
“Wait!” Katrina ordered as she grabbed his hand. “I never knew your name… but still, you were real. You’re one character in a book called Life. I… I… fell in love with you.” Such words gave a shocking impulse. All that he could do was let her finish. “I don’t want to force you to love me back. I never will. I won’t give the command; I won’t command you to go against your heart.”
I was going to say this in block letters. Forget the notion that just one moment ago the princess and the silver knight were barely strangers and now were addressing each other as if they had known each other personally for a long time (which may or may not be explained by stating that the Myrmidons were close to the royal family as the Britannian Knights of the Round Table), just the sheer instance that "we were classmates" evolved into "I... fell in love with you" was definitely a Crowning Moment of Wallbanging/Fridge Logic, for lack of any logical explanation hitherto. To say frankly, I was lost when I read those words.
So... the bottom line is, while everything technical were great, effectively the content of your work, meritorious in its own rights, has been marred by these two GIGANTIC flaws. As these deals with plots and character development, it is wholly up to the author - that's you - to maintain and repair them.
Take your time - Rome wasn't (if it wasn't forced to, as in my case) built in a day. Good luck with the rest!
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