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Fleur Du Mal -> RE: Myrmidon Rewrites (9/19/2009 13:18:43)
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Hiyas!
I'll continue by commeting Chapter 2 =)
Regarding point 21) in the previous comments, yes you are right, it does work out equally well, imo, when you give the explanations in the beginning of the next chapter. However, since there's the chapter break, I think it's important to tie the beginning to the previous very tightly. I feel like this because many readers are likely to take breaks from reading between chapters. Therefore, if any questions would arise from the abrupt behaviour of the Myrmidon in the previous chapter, it'd be good to point back to it when giving the explanations later.
You are doing exatcly this in the first sentence here, so that's already being taken care of to a degree:
1)quote:
A man would take those gestures as a hint of a woman’s admiration. Though the Myrmidon knew the speculation was egoistic, the possibly nonetheless ever remained. However, this man’s interest in the princess failed to attach him in place.
However, I'd personally make the link even clearer by, for example editing the tense to:
'A man would have taken those gestures as a hint...'
It might be just me, but I feel this could further define that we are now talking about those gestures we just read about. You could even give out the name of the woman:
'A man would have taken Katrina's gestures as a hint... '
Me suspects the 'possibly' holds a typo and should be 'possibility'.
2)quote:
Sometimes, a man for no reason would do regrettable things with consequences.
Wouldn't regrettable things have consequences as a rule? To me, this sentence is unneccessarily vague, with the non-specific words 'Sometimes', 'things', and 'a man'.
How about:
'Sometimes, a man would commit to regrettable deeds without a reason.'
My suggestion is not any clearer, I'm afraid, but it's a bit shorter.
3)quote:
Not knowing what his feelings meant, his actions interpreted them as a solemn melancholy.
This is a sentence that is really unclear to me. How can actions interpret something? Do you mean:
'Not knowling what his feelings meant, he acted as if they were products of solemn melancholy.' ?
Also, I'm suspecting that 'melancholy' would be an uncountable noun, so the article could go.
4)quote:
The Myrmidon’s legs headed the gate’s ward.
Hmm, 'headed towards the'?
5)quote:
“Sir,” a familiar Human voice called. The voice belonged to his Human squire, the warrior whom he had stood for against Koren.
It's your call, but I don't think repeating the word 'voice' so soon adds to this. It seems a bit odd word to stress out here, so I'd suggest changing it to 'It', allthough that is a bit dull pronoun, it'd be real handy in here, imo.
6)quote:
One thing Alexander loved about his squire was his readiness to jump into action, something which unfortunately fades with experience.
Lol, I'm getting really nitpicky here now, but 'loved' seems a bit unfitting and casual word in comparison to the overall mood and style so far. How about changing it to 'valued', 'respected' or 'appreciated'? Imho, those words would fit better in the general style of writing you have used so far.
7)quote:
“Yes Sir. It’s him. That would be the only reason for a Human such as I being informed first; I was the first person had seen.”
Methinks there might be a word missing.
8)quote:
An uncontrollable smile appeared on the Myrmidon’s face.
Sorry, I'm nitpicking again, but I read this wrong everytime. As opposed to not being able to keep himself from smiling, I'm interpreting this particular wording as there were something wrong with his smile... Most likely just me, though. Anyways, I'd suggest rewording the sentence to something like:
'The Myrmidon couldn't help but smile.'
or
'Instinctively, a broad smile appeared on the Myrmidon's face.'
9)Quoteless note. I loved the display of masked emotion in the end of the scene, especially the mentioning of the flower in a very non-over-dramatic way! Small words, lots of emotion.
Scene 2
10)quote:
Behind one of the local taverns were two steeds, shadowed by the tall buildings.
Since you have quite a lot of 'was'es following this sentence, it would be a good idea, imho, to change this to describe what the horses are doing and to cut down the usage of that pretty non descriptive verb.
For example:
'Behind one of the local taverns stood/grazed two steeds, ...'
11)quote:
“On the bright side, it’s not a unicorn. So I guess the women might not think that you’re gay.” Alexander spurred his horse to ride off.
Honestly, I'm a little baffled as to where this came from, it seems a little incongruous (see me using a word I learnt from Firefly's story =P) with the dialogue and manner of speaking these two have been shown using so far. I wonder what Asher's reaction to this was. Was he as baffled as I am? Maybe you could add something about that?
12)quote:
The downpour left its traces on the landscape.
Me suspects the correct tense would be 'had left'.
13)quote:
The cavern gave two sounds. When they had approached the entrance, they were greeted by the sound of a whirling wind that resounded from within the cave. Nature’s second voice spoke much weaker. A few droplets of water slid off the cavern’s ceiling, creating an echoing beat.
I like how you have described the ambience here with sound. However, I'd remove the first sentence here and dilute it into the rest. It's my preference only, but I'd rather read there were two sounds through their description as opposed to first being told there will be two shortly described. Imo, the underlining that there are two voices is somewhat unneccessary. So, my suggestion for edit would be:
'When they had approached the entrance, the cavern greeted them by the sound of a whirling wind that resounded from within the cave. Nature’s second voice spoke much weaker. A few droplets of water slid off the cavern’s ceiling, creating an echoing beat.'
This would also rid you of one passive voice. You know how I like animated, active nature. =P
14)quote:
They had ventured so deep that there was not any longer a trace of natural light.
Just a minor detail. Imho, this is an unneccessarily wordy way to put such a simple thing as 'no longer'.
15)quote:
The squire could do nothing but wait as the two conversed.
How so? He could kick some rocks... You could elaborate on as to why he couldn't do anything, imo. Was it too dark? Was it for rigorous training and respect that he would be ready to stand immobile for hours if required? The elaboration doesn't even have to be a long one, imo, it's just that I'd like to know why...and it's a good opportunity to characterize Asher further. =)
16)quote:
“Ahh, oh yes.” Before continuing, the professor curled and played with the strands of his mustache.
This is another detail I'm most likely interpreting the wrong way. The way this is now worded makes me think like he would be deliberately doing this, as opposed to it being a habit. Like I sometimes deliberately play with my hair. =P So, if he is doing this instinctively, I'd suggest rewording the hint of causality away from the sentence. For example:
'The professor stood silent for a while, absentmindedly curling strands of his mustache around his fingers.'
17)quote:
I would love to elaborate on the process, but I know you would fall asleep before I could even finish.
Heh, I'm nitpicking again. I'd remove that 'even' because 'finish' would indicate the Myrmidon would be able to listen for quite a long time before he would fall asleep, whereas 'even' refers to me to some earlier point. So, to me, 'before I was even half-way though it' would work with 'even' and the 'before I could finish' would work with out it. Just my warped opinion, though.
18)quote:
The blade was cut in half, and the small gap between the two edged regions was where the light radiated from.
Again, if you want to vary your verbs a bit -- as you tend to use a lot of thoses 'was'es when you describe objects such as weapons -- you could edit this to , eg:
'The blade was cut in half, and the light radiated from the small gap between the two edged regions.'
19)quote:
“May I remind you to go on with what you were about to say,” the Sentinel requested with a rather sarcastic tone. He eyed the weapon, enthralled by its marvelous details. His desire to obtain the weapon grew as the green laser swirled like a pillar of flame caught within a plague-sent vortex. So these are the weapons of light my drunk superior was talking about.
As the word 'weapon' gets repeated here quite a few times, I'd suggest changing for example this bolded one to 'it' or to some other suitable word.
I think those were all the comments I got for chapter 2. I hope I didn't dissect your story too eagerly... And my deepest apologies for all un-accounted-for typos I made here. My spellcheck seems to have switched off by its own account and refuses to be switched on.
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