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Mortarion -> Mortarion's collection of tomes (2/19/2011 11:23:34)

The Gladius Chronicles:


Other stuff:
This is some poetry I'll get up, well it may not be poetry but I don't know where it fits



G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 4:13:18)

Hello there. Critique time!

I'll start with some grammar/spelling mistakes first.

quote:

It was a beutiful day in willowshire but this was a cruel joke as the city was in ruins, of it only remained a refugee camp, in this morning a messenger walked trought it, searching for a horse he has been tasked by guardian fortuna to deliver a message to falconreach asking for their help.


Now, this whole thing is a run-on sentence. I would suggest fixing it as follows:

quote:

It was a beutiful day in willowshire, but this was a cruel joke as the city was in ruins. Of it only remained a refugee camp. This morning a messenger walked trought it, searching for a horse. OR ; he had been tasked by guardian fortuna to deliver a message to falconreach, asking for their help.


Next:

quote:

It was a beautiful morning, Bosterblader was walking in the woods near falconreach when he found someone, who had all his ropes destroyed was famelic and obiously at the brink of death.


Okay, I honestly have no idea what you said here. Perhaps change the first comma to a period, and be more clear on what you mean by "ropes" and "famelic".

quote:

(")There is no time(") (he said,) coughing up blood. (")Please deliver this letter to the guardian tower,(") and with those last words the mysterious man fainted.


Fixes in bold.

Now, I just skimmed the rest of the chapter, and I've noticed that you use little to no quotation marks. I suggest you read your chapter aloud to yourself; that should catch most of your mistakes. Remember, for dialogue you need quotation marks. Also, for thoughts, I suggest putting them in single quotes and italics, 'Like this.'

Now, for stylistic feedback:

The main problem so far seems to be that you skip over a lot of details. For example:

quote:

He is in good hands, but now I need to deliver this letter, thought Bosterblader.

When he delivered the letter to the guardians he was dissmissed with the order to whait for future instructions, so he headed to the inn to rest there.


Here, you could perhaps expand a little on the the journey to the guardian tower. Was it a short journey, or a long one? Was it in the same city? Try to answer these questions, yet do it as indirectly as possible. Avoid making your details stock and simple.

As I just mentioned rather briefly, try not to make your text stock and simple. This seems to be a problem with your story as of now. Each sentence should flow into the next. As it is now, it seems more like simple stated facts rather than flowing sentences. This could at least be minimally remedied by using transitions and combining sentences. For example, you could combine two related sentences by turning a period into a comma and adding one of the "fanboys" conjunctions (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so).

I can't accurately judge the quality of the plot at this point. I'll wait until a few chapters in to get back to this.

Please don't take any of this as me just beating on you. I am not trying to make you feel bad, I am trying to help you improve your writing.

Got it all? Good!



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 12:20:43)

yep thxs, youare right mainly all of my mistakes are gramatical



1412. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 19:48:36)

Here are some of the mistakes I found:
quote:

It was a beautiful morning, Bosterblader was walking in the woods near falconreach when he found someone, who had all his ropes destroyed was famelic and obiously at the brink of death.

Should be...
quote:

It was a beautiful morning, Bosterblader was walking in the woods near falconreach when he found someone, who had all of his ropes destroyed was famelic and obviously at the brink of death.

quote:

but I can't leave this man here, said Bosterblader who proceded to take the man and then he set to the falconreach inn.

Should be...
quote:

but I can't leave this man here, said Bosterblader who proceeded to take the man and then he set to the falconreach inn.

quote:

Serennity

Is spelled...
quote:

Serenity

quote:

whait

Is spelled...
quote:

wait

quote:

dissmissed

is spelled...
quote:

dismissed

quote:

whay

Is spelled...
quote:

way

quote:

whe

Is spelled...
quote:

We


Those are the mistakes I found, however the storyline is quite entertaining.
I look forward to reading more of your chapters.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 19:53:29)

Thxs [:D],nd I will corect the mistakes now [;)]

Edit: Corrected some of the mistakes will correct the rest soon, could someone tell me how to put italics, plese?



1412. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 20:24:15)

To use Italics just press the button that has a I in it, and put what you want in
Italics between the [] .



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 20:37:29)

Ok thxs, hey btw wich font size should I use?



G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:03:48)

Just keep your font size the same as when you type regularly.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:07:04)

Ok do you think it's better now G.I.G.A



G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:07:41)

Let me look.

Okay, it may just be wishful thinking, but it does look better, style-wise. Aside from the grammatical problems, that is. There was one section in particular that I still had trouble understanding, though.

quote:

In their chatting they didn't noticed that a tall dark-red haired woman approached them, when she speaked all of the laughts and emotions in the faces of the heroes dissapeared but she didn't seem scared, I am searching for the falconreach heroes, said the mysterious woman.


The first half of the paragraph in particular is very difficult to understand without re-reading it. Although, I now realize this is mostly due to grammatical errors. I highly suggest re-reading this post out loud to yourself to attempt to catch these errors, as there are just too many for me to list and correct them one by one.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:27:04)

Ok thxs




G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:29:05)

No problem!



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 21:48:16)

Fixed it I hope it's more esier to understand now [:)], could you check it again?



G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 22:31:07)

Okay, I can understand what's happening now. However, there are still quite a few grammar mistakes. This the paragraph as it is:

quote:

In their chatting they didn't noticed that a woman approached them, she was tall and had a dark red hair, when she speaked all of the heroes turned to face her but she didn't seem scared; I am searching for the falconreach heroes, said her.


Here is my suggested fix:

quote:

In their chatting, they didn't notice that a woman had approached them. She was tall and had a dark red hair, and when she spoke all of the heroes turned to face her, yet she didn't seem scared. "I am searching for the Falconreach heroes," she said.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 22:47:21)

Thxs, and srry for bothering you so much, btw what do you think of the history?

Edit:maked the changes that you suggested [:)], ou where right itis better now



G.I.G.A. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (2/20/2011 23:01:59)

No problem! I'm glad to help people out with writing. Imagine how good it'll look when you correct the grammar of the entire chapter.

Like I said in my first post, I can't accurately judge the history now, considering it's only the first chapter. However, honestly, the story doesn't seem to interesting right now. Don't take this the wrong way; my first fanfic's story didn't pick up until about chapter five. I'm sure it'll get interesting soon enough.



Guilt -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/5/2011 21:38:55)

I am not in the mood currently to point out grammar. But I will say my thoughts.
It was ok, but you said in my criticism thread, "It will make you full of sadness." or something like that.
Honestly, I didn't find it too sad. That really all I have to say. Overall so far, I give a 7/10



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/5/2011 21:39:50)

I told you when it's fully developed [;)]



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/6/2011 8:06:41)

quote:

It was a beautiful morning, Bosterblader was walking in the woods near falconreach when he found someone, who had all of his ropes destroyed was famelic and obviously at the brink of death. "For loritia, what are you doing here good man"


Don't you mean, "By Lorithia"?

Hm, interesting to see so many stories start with Willowshire.

About the story, it has potential that's for sure. Now, I'd like to point out that if you call someone mysterious give the reader an idea as exactly why they are mysterious. Can't you see their face, do they have something out of the ordinary like a symbol on their clothes nobody recognizes? You need to add something to grab the reader's attention. Spice up the meeting with Esmerald which makes the readers care about what she does, what her backstory is. Right now she's just another companion to both them and the reader. You don't have to give everything away, but at least make her interesting.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/6/2011 11:17:37)

Yeah I forgotted her name and I thought that she was also a god on DF, and it starts in willowshire because it was my first war, and her backstory will start soon

Beware the next history will be long full of retrospectives, and it will explain the backstory of Esmerald, well her is more small, and that of Bosterblader



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 16:31:02)

quote:

Yes, she thought, only two years ago I was the daughter of one of the richest bankers. So during her infancy she never saw poorness, so she always believed that people where as rich as her, enjoying parties and dances. She, in fact, remembered the last party she went to, that day his father had say that she was specially beautifully, his father said that her eyes where esmeralds and that his hair was just like if it was made of rubies, but that day something went really bad.


"Yes, only two years ago I was the daughter of one of the richest bankers." She thought. So during her infancy she had never seen any poorness, so she had always believed that people were as rich as herself, enjoying parties and dances. In fact, she remembered the last party she had been to. That day her father had said that she was especially beautiful, he had told that her eyes were like emeralds and that her hair was just like if it was made out of rubies, but that day something went really wrong.

I know what you tried to do with her name, but the gems are called emeralds and not esmeralds.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 16:32:08)

Dang, ok will fix that, but I think Esmerald sounds better like a name than Emerald don't you think so



Dwelling Dragonlord -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 16:47:39)

@Delex: Actually, I rewrote that entire chunk of text.

Yes, esmerald sounds better than emerald. That does not mean you can change the name of the crystal/gem itself however.



Mortarion -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 17:41:21)

Thxs, yours sound better so I'll put it up now, but in terms of history what do you think of it?

Edit, changed it thxs



1412. -> RE: Criticism of A path to madness (3/10/2011 17:50:16)

In terms of history it is an excellent!, just needs a little grammar
improvement and it will be an excellent story.



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