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6/25/2008 10:45:28   

I have a very flashy new first post in my stove, but until I find time to introduce that to all of you you'll have to do with this.
I've taken this purge as a chance to start all over again. So I did, I've titled, editted and even removed some of my poems. Honestly I must say they're worth a re-read, but for those that don't want to read my older stuff I promise two new poems as soon as I'm finished editting the old ones.

For those that don't want to klik more often then necassary, the thread is Here

Note that I'm adding the poems as I edit them, even though I'm trying to get all of them by today there is a chance I don't make it.
So don't freak out if you're missing just about all my latest poems, I didn't delete them. :^P

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 6/1/2010 4:39:38 >
AQ  Post #: 1
6/26/2008 5:20:19   

Well, I finally finished adding all my poems, all /74/ old ones. (Seventy-four! O.o)
Plus one of the two new ones I promissed in the first post.

Find the latest one Here!

This is my 75th poem! That's like... 3/4 of 100.
AQ  Post #: 2
6/26/2008 17:01:16   
Legendary Artist!

Looking good so far MM. I'd still say that Rage is my favorite followed by Legends and Lore. The third stanza kind of made me chuckle because of how it rhymed. XD
Post #: 3
6/26/2008 17:24:02   

Well thanks Clyde. Rage was my first try at different ways to format my poems. One of my best tries too.

And legends and lore was a homage too out great board, which just got greater.

AQ  Post #: 4
6/28/2008 6:43:38   

made it through much of first page and couldnt figure out if should giggle or cry.

I'd prefer you'd giggle. ^>^

Legends and Lore is indeed good and even though Im newer, can relate.

Well, much of L&L's greatness is because of the great community and Fal's excelent way of running things.
I hope you'll enjoy this place a whole lot longerl :^)

/me adds an "L" in excelent to make excellent...

< Message edited by Ana_Maria -- 7/2/2008 5:03:28 >
Post #: 5
6/28/2008 7:38:19   
October 2008 Poet of the Month...Woot!


But also with unicorns and elves
with Jackals and ladies.
And with shelves upon shelves
of Ricobabies

Congrats you made me giggle. :P

But I consider you the best poet here in L&L. You will go far Mafio.

I consider that a great compliment from a poet like you, amboo.
I truly hope you're right, which would make that a first time J/K :^P

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 6/30/2008 5:24:52 >
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 6
6/28/2008 14:55:48   

If I could quote the person above me, I would. No offense meant to certain other poets who might take offense.


Then I consider this a great compliment as well. What is this now? International compliment day or something?

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 6/30/2008 5:27:19 >
Post #: 7
6/28/2008 15:10:46   

I'm Gazing:


Somehow it appears close enough to touch

I think you need a comma after "somehow" for both flow and grammar.

I ramdomly read "Writer's Block" for some reason.


(Yet again)

No capital. Things in brackets aren't capitalized.


to my poem to be.

I think you should have hyphens here. It's a single modifier, and the hyphens set it apart from the rest of the statement to help with understandability.


is called writers block.


I should make that last stanza my sig everytime I get writer's block, lol. Heh, go right ahead. It'd be an excelent way to judge if a new chapter is comming or not. :^P

Rawr! Ouch, Mafio, you're taking my fans away from me... *glares at Shade* [/joking] (I'm a terrible poet anyways. =P) O.o LIEZ! /me hides the lies

Nice stuff as always!
Thanks Firefly. I swear, if I get one more compliment today my ego will level up.

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 6/30/2008 5:32:21 >
AQ  Post #: 8
6/30/2008 5:18:56   

Woah! What did I do to get all of your attention so suddenly? :^P

Especially for Legends and Lore, it's rare for me to see a comment for an older poem once... Let alone from five people.

Thanks all of you for your comments. I really appreciate it. ^>^

All typo's will be fixed as soon as I find the time.

To avoid having to use the @ sign far too often I'll just abuse my powers as an AK and edit my reactions into the original comments.
AQ  Post #: 9
7/1/2008 7:14:17   

New poem up!

This is one of the more experimental ones, note how the text in italic is /supposed/ to make a stanza of it's own that is /supposed/ to be a small version of the poem.

Please tell me if it wored out.

Shadow of the night
AQ  Post #: 10
7/1/2008 9:39:42   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!

Good morning! At least for me ^_^ !

I read you latest poem and I really love poems that move around the page/screen. So I was immediately drawn by this one. I liked it over all and think it was very well written. And yes the lines in italics do make a mini stanza.

One thing though that stood out. In the beginning you had 3 "lines" on the left before the Italicized line, but you didn't do that for the rest of them. Was that on purpose, because I liked that third line. It creates more motion, which I like. Hopefully you understand what I am saying!

< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/1/2008 9:40:05 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
7/1/2008 9:47:38   

Seeing as it's the afternoon here I'll raise your good morning with a good day. ^>^

Thanks for your comment, I appreciate it. I'm glad my first experiment worked out.

The reason I removed the line on the left in the second third and last stanza was another experiment I was doing.
I was trying to give the impression the entire poem was slowing down, I didn't mention this in the former post as I felt it wasn't a very good experiment. Seeing how the third stanza feels slightly faster then the secong IMO, but I didn't feel like removing it or adding a third line everywhere as it would have me re-do a whole lot more then this solution does. <.<

If you catch my drift. :^)
AQ  Post #: 12
7/2/2008 8:43:31   
Fleur Du Mal

Now that you've mischievously lured me into reading your other poems as well (besides the New Haven), I'm gonna get back at you and comment

You confuse me with this...
And I like to be confused....

Now, that's quite frightening promise/warning on the last line. Which probably makes it so effective. An powerful. Now, I still can't help but wonder, if it comes too suddenly. Are there any clues about this along the poem? I can't find any. Oh, well let's just add that to the confusion -> further emphasizing the pros. I am not making any sense, am I? =P

OK, on a more serious note, what doesn't work for me is this:

Filling my head.
Crawling around my brain

Rage, in my book, doesn't crawl. It may twist, turn, mash, burst, explode, fill, impale, etc, but it doesn't crawl. Not in my book.

Otherwise, I have nothing but praise for you.

And lot's of typo's =P:


Everything I have, and had,
appears too slowly slip away.



like a spider in it's web,
it's more then I can take.



to the point I'll seize too take.


I dunno if this a typo

ask no question,

but is there a reason for the singular form?

Ah. Feeling better already.... See U at the New Haven thread, soonish...
DF  Post #: 13
7/3/2008 3:22:56   

O.o that first part was very confusing...
Very, confusing.

Rage may not crawl on itself, but as I say in the line following it:

Crawling around my brain
like a spider in it's web,

And in my book, a spider crawls. So I hesitate to change it.

I've changed most of the other things you've pointed out though, all except the last one to be precise.
The reason for the singular form is simply flow and rhyme, but my reason to keep it is because if you can't ask one question, you can't ask many.

Thanks for your comments, my devious plan to get you to read more of my work has finally worked out. And I'm glad for that. :^P

AQ  Post #: 14
7/7/2008 18:16:49   
Fleur Du Mal

To clear some confusion (my apologies, in the case you would've rather stayed confused...) I'll try to explain that.

I was confused by the poem's ending because I didn't see the last word coming. It just landed there *wham* after all that boiling rage and blew me away.
Then I started to analyse and dissect the poem, trying to understand where the 'care' came from, although I think I already knew how well one can relate to that contradiction between rage and care. lol.

By all means, do hesitate to change it =P
Lol, never ever make the mistake as to let me influence anything else than your typos. You're the poet... My job is just to question and confuse you =P
Spiders do crawl and I'm not denying that that line
'Crawling around my brain' wouldn't roll out in a very effective way. But, you know, the spider could also wrap your brains into its web and suffocate your brains with the rage...
Shutting up about this...

Next poem on my list: The music

Did you have a specific opera-piece in your mind when you wrote this?


There is no real reason to cry
when the other lover too proceeds to die.
but still…

Of course one cries, because the sneaky composer put the violins and the divine choir in there! How (s)he dares! =P

I really liked the way you picked only two lines that jumped to the middle of the screen. I'm quite sure that those were the best lines for that job, too.

Now, I shall stop the praise and morph back to my nitpicky self:

We are mere subjects
to the sounds and sights at hand.

The fact that you've already mentioned the stage and now this 'sight', actually draws this a bit away from the sheer power of music and brings in the visual aspects of 'the show'.
If there were only the mentioning of the 'stage' once, that might only be a reference to something that was happening inside the music-lover's head, but now this 'stage' kinda nails and combines it to the visual world. Now, are the emotions, referred to with 'the spectrum of emotions' earlier in your poem, induced because of the music, or because the listener-viewer sees something played before him/her? Does this thought lessen the strength of the music you are trying to describe? Am I annoying you by asking you these questions? =P

Anyways, now that you are hopefully thinking about my strange blabberings, might I draw your attention to a typo I found:

We are but the puppets
following the composers will.

And is there a valid reason you write 'We are but the puppets' with the article?

See U when you come back!
DF  Post #: 15
7/12/2008 17:07:30   

Thanks for the comment Fabula, I'll edit that as soon as possible.

Now... This is going to be a confusing post, so I'll try to keep it simple.

First of all I'd like to inform all of you there are two new poems up. Both rather experimental, though the second more obviously then the first. You are mad and Yesterday’s sorrow

Second of all I'm back, if you hadn't guessed. And I just finished my longest poem ever: Royalty of New Haven

And finally and most importantly I have decided to get my poems published... Well, I'm going to do an attempt and probably fail. But still. :^P
Anyway, I need to have a few poems picked out to send away. So my question to y'all is pretty simple:

Which of my poems do you think has the biggest chance to get published, and which of my poems do you like best?

I'd really like it if you'd answer these questions.

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 7/16/2008 18:15:23 >
AQ  Post #: 16
7/23/2008 12:42:00   

I'm slowly going through all the poetry. I'll offer my opinions on every one and give an overall publishing ability once I'm done. Writing my thoughts for now.

Sorry, no critique. No time. Also, I'll be blunt.

The Life of Rain: It's good in it's subtly, but better if it was more focused. It sounds like something than can appeal to certain people, but I personally think it's rhyme is forced at times.

Epheel: Ignoring this because you can't publish it. =P

Silence: Amazing. However, it's a bit short. Structure is good in its simplicity, but I dunno if the general publisher would like it. I love it, though. Unique--that might be its greatest strength and biggest downfall.

Loneliness: Good but abrupt. Lacks the impact at times until the end. Flows well, but rhymes a bit forced.

Oh, Brother: It's very nice, but due to the simplistic language and lack of technical poetic imagery... I dunno. Same opinion of this as for Silence.

That's all for now.

< Message edited by Firefly -- 7/24/2008 15:51:28 >
AQ  Post #: 17
7/24/2008 10:58:37   

Thanks Firefly ^>^
I appreciate you doing this.

About your comments on forced rhyming and other such things. I plan on polishing up the poems I'll select before sending them out. Hopefully getting rid of such things.

I hope you realise you've gotten youself into quite some work though. Just under 80 poems to read, and criticue.
Eukara started this task a while ago... I'm not sure were she is at the moment. :^P

So I'm going to say the same thing to you as I say to her. Do /not/ feel forced to read my poetry just because you said you would. I have all the time in the world to wait for your comments. So if you even have a priority list, put this at the very bottom.

Of course, me saying that doesn't mean I won't remind you of it now and again ;^)
AQ  Post #: 18
7/24/2008 17:06:19   

I made a typo in my above post. I read "Oh, brother" not "trying."...

Anyways, I've decided to stop the current format of reading. Too inefficient. I'm going to print these out, envision them in print, and pick out my favourites through reading all in one sitting. That gives a better opinion rather than the scraps and pieces I'm currently giving. Also means a lot of detailed critique. So you'll have a lot more help from me that way. Less distraction, too.
AQ  Post #: 19
7/24/2008 17:48:32   

Well, that sounds even better. ^>^

Plus, you'll be the first (proud?) owner of the first copy of my life's work ;^P

Have fun reading my stuff.
AQ  Post #: 20
7/27/2008 12:51:53   

As we wait for Firefly to read, I've made two new poems!

Today I am pretending
Hey there
AQ  Post #: 21
7/27/2008 14:48:51   

I know it's not that much later then the last post. But this new poem deserves a post of it's own. As said in the poem itself:

This poem is dedicated to a good friend of mine. If you are at-least somewhat familiar with IRC you should know who I'm talking about. For those that aren't, it might be time to find out.

Ode to a friend
AQ  Post #: 22
7/28/2008 1:56:37   

I can say three words after reading that poem.

Wow. That's... beautiful.

Post #: 23
7/28/2008 3:51:49   

Well, thanks Shade. ^>^

I'm glad you like it.
AQ  Post #: 24
8/8/2008 16:58:25   

New poem.

AQ  Post #: 25
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