Rosmalen is a reasonably big city somewhere in the Netherlands. There's nothing special about it, but I liked the way it sounded.
this king, would never leave.
I don't get that comma, lol. Care to enlighten me?
As I was typing this up I figured there would be a pause there for some reason. After re-reading I decided to drop it.
A silent smirk emerged from his mouth,
I'm not completely sure of this, but isn't a smirk more like a facial expression? So why do you need that silent before it? (As, I said, I'm not sure about this)
Quite simply, when Carlos smirks -much like myself- he makes this sighing sound. Which is silent, but not non-existing. I could probably explain that some more but I don't see how I'd be able to do that.
fell into nothing compared to the time it took to explain how they got in there,
A stupid question, if you'll allow it: Why are you using this structure instead of a plain 'dwarfed'?
A stupid answer, if you'll believe it: I felt like it.
You’d think that won’t be easy
but what’d you say…
This 'you' makes no sense to me. Do you mean 'I' or am I just deprived of some much-needed sleep? =P
Well, I believe this is a valid sentence and am hesitant to change it. But if someone else could explain to me why it is(n't) wrong that'd be great.
Also, I'm not getting those last lines... It's like you're saying that what they saw will surely shock the readers even more but it surely will????
I mean to say I'm pretty sure it will surprise you. As a bit of a last moment doubt thing... Meh, I might chance this sometime later.
All Carlos’ blows parried by Henry,
I think you're missing a word here. Shouldn't it be "blows were parried"?
I don't think I'm missing a word. I'm basically saying that all blows had gotten parried. <.< Could be my misunderstanding though.
to travel into king Stromy’s land.
From my recalls, the land was called Stromy, not ruled by a person called Stromy. I might be forgetting, or you might have a plot hole here. =P
If you want to keep as is, "king" should be capitalized because it is part of his title.
Well, how did you think the kingdom got it's name? The exact story is for another time, but there was a time the ruler of the kingdom of Stromy was... Well, Stromy. As explained Rico took over and it seems she liked the name... Or people just didn't want to call the kingdom by it's new name. Fixed the King thing though.
All in preparation for my mark,
Doesn't seem to make sense here. Did you mean "march"?
No, I meant mark... Like sign. Just as someone would say "On my mark, we'll go"
At least, I think that's how it was spelled.