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Royalty of New Haven ~ An Epic Tale ~ Done! It is complete!

 
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7/2/2008 7:06:25   
Mistermafio
Member

Well, after much delay it's finally here...
The re-post of Royalty of New Haven.

I changed a few little things along the way and new (old) chapters will come along as I finish editting them.
And in the end of it all... Four /completely new/ chapters of which the last will be added this friday just before I'll be away on vakation an entire week.

Expect a cliffhanger.

Royalty of New Haven, reposted

< Message edited by mistermafio -- 7/11/2008 20:11:02 >
AQ  Post #: 1
7/2/2008 17:24:15   
Arthur The Brave One
Member

Ummm... sorry to say Mistermafio, but is the title supposed to be just "... ~ An Epic"? I thought it used to be something like An Epic Tale... or something like that. Liked your poetry very much! :)
AQ DF MQ  Post #: 2
7/3/2008 3:29:29   
Mistermafio
Member

Yeah, I know, I believe it used to be an epic poem or something in that fashion. (I can't believe I've already forgotten. <.<)

But this time I wanted to keep it a bit more simplistic.

Thanks for the comment though, it's always nice and flattering to hear (or rather read) someone think that of you.
^>^

On a different matter, I've finally added all 'old' chapters. Prepare for the firs of the 'new' one later today.
AQ  Post #: 3
7/3/2008 9:00:58   
Mistermafio
Member

The first of the new chapters is now up!

The conversation

Yayz!
AQ  Post #: 4
7/4/2008 4:50:39   
Mistermafio
Member

Well, I'll be going on a summer holiday for about a week starting in just about an hour. During this time I won't have a working internet connection so I'll be completely gone."

During this holiday I'll be writing, relaxing and doing stuff I generally don't do. (Like what you ask? I have no idea I say.)

But since I'm not a bad man, I won't leave you alone without any kind of entertainment. That's why I wrote you guys three chapters and am going away with the promise I'll have the exciting conclusion to Royalty of New Haven all worked up. (Disclaimer, promises are non-refundable)

So three big yays for all of us.

Yay! (Isn’t it strange how just the right things always seem to happen on just the right moment?)
Yay! (”We are going to Davy Jones’ locker”
“Bring me a big cheeseburger.”
)

Yay! (The holiday cliff-hanger)
AQ  Post #: 5
7/5/2008 18:24:11   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Thank you! I laughed all Friday afternoon so hard after reading about the kitchen help! And then I had to check from GoogleEarth, where on Earth is Rosmalen.
That was fun!
lolz!
Did I already say that I laughed?

Anyways, for some more intelligible comments, I'm starting my regular typo-hunting from the chapter called The Conversation:

quote:

this king, would never leave.

I don't get that comma, lol. Care to enlighten me?

quote:

Carlos looked up with relieve in his eyes.

'relief', I believe.

quote:

A silent smirk emerged from his mouth,

I'm not completely sure of this, but isn't a smirk more like a facial expression? So why do you need that silent before it? (As, I said, I'm not sure about this)

Moving on to the next chapter:Isn’t it strange how just the right things always seem to happen on just the right moment?
quote:

But the while it too to get out of the tunnel

'took'?

quote:

fell into nothing compared to the time it took to explain how they got in there,

A stupid question, if you'll allow it: Why are you using this structure instead of a plain 'dwarfed'?

quote:

hope all the enemy will be doing is some surprised gazing,

Should this be written rather in the form 'hoping'?

quote:

I might just only be the kitchen help.
But even I have the brains to figure doing this is wrong.

Lots of lolz. Again. =P

Next chapter:”We are going to Davy Jones’ locker”
“Bring me a big cheeseburger.”


No typos? I have a comment, though...

quote:


So you could imagine how hungry they’d be,
after two months
and some hours more.

More lolz.
I like the addition of that "some hours more."
It's like stating, around the year 3500BC, at 8:15 pm....

Advancing to the holiday cliff-hanger...

quote:

“Now we only need to get to Henry,
without him ever seeing one of you…

Why 'one'?
Why not 'any'?

quote:

You’d think that won’t be easy
but what’d you say…
It is.”

This 'you' makes no sense to me. Do you mean 'I' or am I just deprived of some much-needed sleep? =P

quote:

Am I wrong or am I right.

I suspect that you'd need a question mark there.

quote:

and one of them,
as I recall,
fits our goal perfect.

'perfectly'?

quote:

All five of our friends
had cramped themselves into a tunnel
even smaller then the one before.

'than'?

quote:

by the midgets the royal house kept
to clean the royal floor.

lolz. These lines are utterly insane!
*loves them*

quote:

Since then these tunnels where only used,
by the few people that know.

The present tense does not make any sense to me.
'knew'?

Also, I'm not getting those last lines... It's like you're saying that what they saw will surely shock the readers even more but it surely will????

Now, all you need to do is to get back from your holiday and let me out of my misery by reveling what the kitchen help saw...
DF  Post #: 6
7/7/2008 22:08:27   
Firefly
Lore-ian


Yo! Read everything you have up. I think Fabula there got the typos, so I won't nitpick. And it's coming to an end? *excitement* Hope you get back to writing soon!
AQ  Post #: 7
7/11/2008 17:22:49   
Mistermafio
Member

O.o
that might well be the longest reply to one of my stories / poems yet fabula. Thanks...
You too Firefly, though not the longest comment part. :^P


I read through your posts, looked at the time and figured I could do two things.
1. Fix the typo's, then go to bed to rest from a rather lengthy ride home
or
2. Ignore the typo's for now, and add the last three chapters.

Naturally I chose 2.

In just about an hour I hope to have the last chapters of RoNH up. Typo'd but hopefully still fun to read.
AQ  Post #: 8
7/11/2008 19:29:40   
Firefly
Lore-ian


quote:

“We’ve really go them now, dear.

A typo on the /first line/? Tsk, tsk. Should be "got"

quote:

For a moment I feared they wouldn’t believe us,

Technically, there should be a comma after "moment." Since you're imitating speech here, might be better to include a comma for the pause a normal person would say.

quote:

wall

Should technically have a comma or period at the end there since it's followed by speech.

quote:

And for a brief second

Might work better for flow if you put a comma at the end of this line.

quote:

All Carlos’ blows parried by Henry,

I think you're missing a word here. Shouldn't it be "blows were parried"?

quote:

to travel into king Stromy’s land.

From my recalls, the land was called Stromy, not ruled by a person called Stromy. I might be forgetting, or you might have a plot hole here. =P
If you want to keep as is, "king" should be capitalized because it is part of his title.

quote:

and I actually didn’t want too

"to"

quote:

but if I would disobey it’d cost me my right hand.

The "it'd" includes the "would" part so I don't think the current "would" is necessary.

Me wants the last chapter!!! Oh, and is this a good enough post for you? =P I'm actually taking time off from typing my own writing to read this. Aren't you touched, MM?
AQ  Post #: 9
7/11/2008 19:53:53   
Mistermafio
Member

I really thank you Firefly, what would I do without you and Fabula? (Pardon me)
Probably something with a whole lot of typo's in it. :^P

The final four chapters:

Crossed star lovers

Preparation, preparation

Questions

The final act

That concludes Royalty of New Haven. A story that took me just about two months to complete.
I ask everyone that read this to please say what he or she liked about it, but most certainly what not.
What could be explained more, what could be done less?

I am interested to hear from you.


< Message edited by mistermafio -- 7/12/2008 9:41:01 >
AQ  Post #: 10
7/11/2008 22:31:32   
Firefly
Lore-ian


quote:

were Sith really showed his power.

"where"

Btw, go Shade! But I'm still pouting that he gets to be a cool swordsman and my only reference is a chapter title...

quote:

rendering him motionless for some seconds.

"a few" seems to flow better here and fit more.

quote:

As Sith found an opening in the second guards defence

"guard's"

quote:

Henry continuous.

"continues"

quote:

All in preparation for my mark,

Doesn't seem to make sense here. Did you mean "march"?

quote:

Henry though wouldn’t give up

It would help us poor readers a lot if you put a comma before and after that word...

quote:

Henry died that faithful day,

Wrong word. I think you meant "fateful"

quote:

Getting them to trust Carlos took forever more,

It's one word.

quote:

As things go better then ever before.

"got"?
"than" for comparisons. "then" is for time.

quote:

under the lead of king Carlos the third
and queen Jasmina the first.

Those two words should be capitalized, since they're part of a title.

quote:

heads cleaning and cooking,

"heads of cleaning..." may be better to avoid sounding like they're heads are cleaning and cooking...

quote:

Or even about the Dreamville inn,

It's part of a proper noun, so capitalize.

quote:

other then:

"than"

Yay! I claim the title of being the first person to read this /and/ the first one to finish it!

Now, you want to hear overall feedback? Sure. I'm a bit pooped, but I'll do my best.

The Good: The flow of the story was well-done. Few rhymes seem forced, and you've blended some very nice elements into verse (eg. battle). The plot is always interesting and it has many nice twists to it. The language was also very consistent in its tone, that's a plus. You've also done some nice breaking of cliches. I liked how you portray Carlos first as the worthless and later as the hero. Also, the things that happened seemed fairly logical by fantasy standards, esp. the stuff in the ending. Good innovation there.

The Bad: No, I'm not going to say the typos.

While the fast pace did keep up the excitement, it got too much for me at some parts, esp. in the middle. I couldn't keep up to/remember exactly what was going on. That led to some confusion. And frankly, I'm a /very/ fast-paced writer as well. If I can't keep up to the speed of the storyline, then some other poor folks will be totally lost...

As well, because how fast you went in the plot, some parts felt random and underdeveloped. The twists were unexpected, but they didn't feel very well-planned--it was as if you tossed them outta thin air just to surprise, not to relate the epic plot.

So, that's all I have to say. Overall, I give you cookies for producing a true masterpiece. I also note that my issues with it cannot be solved with anything less than a full rewrite. So sorry for being unhelpful in the overall analysis part. =/
AQ  Post #: 11
7/11/2008 22:33:22   
~Shade~
Member

I loved it! It was great! And actually, I finished it first. The moment he posted it, I read it. I actually made that first correction on IRC when he gave us a teaser.

I went to the thread and became addicted to the refresh button.

~Jack(!)~
Post #: 12
7/11/2008 22:39:08   
Firefly
Lore-ian


YOU'VE GOT NO PROOF! So, /officially/, I finished first. =P And even if I didn't, I still started first.
AQ  Post #: 13
7/12/2008 6:56:46   
Mistermafio
Member

Thanks guys. For your support and criticism and everything.

Expect all typo's fixed pretty soon. :^)
I'll take your advice to heart and will try to slow down next time I write an epic Firefly.

But yeah, Sith had read the chapter (or at least parts of the chapter) as one of the first. :^P
AQ  Post #: 14
7/12/2008 9:18:01   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello!

quote:

For a moment I feared they wouldn’t believe us,
but my note got rid of all their doubts.”

They got me too with that that note... =P

quote:

I really thank you Firefly, what would I do without you and Fab?

Et tu, Brute?
Although Fabula from Rosmalen lets herself to be called that, please don't extend that to me...
(I'm egoistically assuming here that you were referring to me....)

OK, some more serious comments. I saw that Firefly has given you a long list of things to correct/improve. I think I might read the whole thing in one sitting, after you've gone through all that. Then I'll hopefully be able to give you some comments about this as whole.

In the meantime, I have a couple of things to say about the final chapters.
I enjoyed them as I did the ones before these. Now, I think I had a hunch about the thing Carlos & co saw through the peep-holes, at least part of that was incorporated in one of my theories. Unfortunately, those were in the olde L&L and now I can't prove anything... *almost cries*

In crossed star lovers, you have these lines:
quote:

Clearly we’re nearing
the final act.

Which I thought were giving this epic that extra feel about it being one of those classic epics that a bard would sing/recite in a Medieval court. Points for that.

quote:

These two were a whole lot closer
then just ‘darling’ or ‘dear’.

One odd typo Firefly didn't explicitly point out.
'than'?
Also, I'd like to ask if you are meaning here that they were closer than 'regular' lovers or that they were lovers (closer than court friends / closer that a Medieval knight and his lady)? Because in speech, one can easily call one 'dear' even without any especially tender feelings, or am I wrong, darling? =P

Another tippo not mentioned before, I believe:
quote:

Carlos brought his hand up once again
as a cut appeared on it’s back.

'its'?

And another one of those:
quote:

Surprised he stares at his chest
were the tip of a sword is sticking out.

'where'?

OK, I'm starting to get an attack of laziness... Everytime I run into a typo, I have to go through Firefly's list too to find if it's already there...
Shall I return to this business after you've made those corrections?
I'll then give this epic the one-session-through-read I've promised and it most certainly deserves that!
I think you'd like to read comments on that better than yet another (and possibly redundant) list of tipos from me.

Agreed?
DF  Post #: 15
7/12/2008 9:46:05   
Mistermafio
Member

Fab? Fab? I never called you Fab! Read for yourself. :^P

Sorry 'bout that, I'll try to remember that, Fabula.

I'd really like that read-through Fabula. I can't say how much it means to me. ^>^

The next post from me will consist of me saying I fixed the typo's and answering questions and stuff.
AQ  Post #: 16
7/12/2008 10:20:49   
Mistermafio
Member

Fabula's comments

Rosmalen is a reasonably big city somewhere in the Netherlands. There's nothing special about it, but I liked the way it sounded.

quote:

this king, would never leave.

I don't get that comma, lol. Care to enlighten me?

As I was typing this up I figured there would be a pause there for some reason. After re-reading I decided to drop it.

quote:

A silent smirk emerged from his mouth,

I'm not completely sure of this, but isn't a smirk more like a facial expression? So why do you need that silent before it? (As, I said, I'm not sure about this)

Quite simply, when Carlos smirks -much like myself- he makes this sighing sound. Which is silent, but not non-existing. I could probably explain that some more but I don't see how I'd be able to do that.

quote:

fell into nothing compared to the time it took to explain how they got in there,

A stupid question, if you'll allow it: Why are you using this structure instead of a plain 'dwarfed'?

A stupid answer, if you'll believe it: I felt like it.

quote:

You’d think that won’t be easy
but what’d you say…
It is.”

This 'you' makes no sense to me. Do you mean 'I' or am I just deprived of some much-needed sleep? =P

Well, I believe this is a valid sentence and am hesitant to change it. But if someone else could explain to me why it is(n't) wrong that'd be great.

Also, I'm not getting those last lines... It's like you're saying that what they saw will surely shock the readers even more but it surely will????

I mean to say I'm pretty sure it will surprise you. As a bit of a last moment doubt thing... Meh, I might chance this sometime later.

Firefly's comments

quote:

All Carlos’ blows parried by Henry,

I think you're missing a word here. Shouldn't it be "blows were parried"?


I don't think I'm missing a word. I'm basically saying that all blows had gotten parried. <.< Could be my misunderstanding though.

quote:

to travel into king Stromy’s land.

From my recalls, the land was called Stromy, not ruled by a person called Stromy. I might be forgetting, or you might have a plot hole here. =P
If you want to keep as is, "king" should be capitalized because it is part of his title.


Well, how did you think the kingdom got it's name? The exact story is for another time, but there was a time the ruler of the kingdom of Stromy was... Well, Stromy. As explained Rico took over and it seems she liked the name... Or people just didn't want to call the kingdom by it's new name. Fixed the King thing though.


quote:

All in preparation for my mark,

Doesn't seem to make sense here. Did you mean "march"?

No, I meant mark... Like sign. Just as someone would say "On my mark, we'll go"
At least, I think that's how it was spelled.

AQ  Post #: 17
7/12/2008 12:18:55   
Firefly
Lore-ian


*jaw drops*

OMG....

I, I, missed pointing out several typos? No way... This, this can't be happening! I was either too tired, too rushed and excited, or too focused on style to notice the typos... No, I can't believe this... My editing skills must be deteriorating... This is insane. How could I have missed typos? And in poetry? Well, y'know what they say... Once you get better at editing other things (eg. stylistic differences), you lose your touch in the basics...

Very insanely sorry. I really shouldn't've missed them. The only time I've felt more embarrassed was when Gotag spotted a very obvious typo in a of mine chapter that has been edited by half a dozen people...

1. I just think that "were parried" flows better and makes more grammatical sense there, but it's your choice.
2. 'kay, that explains it.
3. 'kay, I understand.
AQ  Post #: 18
7/12/2008 16:12:56   
Mistermafio
Member

Ohh, Firefly...

/me patpats

No need to say sorry for missing some typo's, after all, I missed all of them. You are one of the best editors I've ever had, even professionals miss one or two typo's every now and then.
AQ  Post #: 19
7/13/2008 7:09:41   
Mistermafio
Member

I thought you guys might want to know I've started work on my newest epic.

It's entitled "The false king of New Haven" but I guess a good subtitle would be: Henry's tale.
Even though it's a prequel to Royalty of New Haven it'll contain a whole lot of spoilers for this thing.

/announcement.
AQ  Post #: 20
7/13/2008 14:30:08   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hmm, interesting...
Are you going to tell us in that new epic, what happened to the Carlos's and Raphael's stepmom the boys used to hide from in the tunnels? =P


I've now read Royalty of New Haven in one sitting. It was no effort, lol, the poem flowed deliciously and then there were these specific spots perfect for stopping and musing for a while.
The thing about the plot was that at the point
spoiler:

Jasmina appeared the second time
, one started to (kinda) anticipate the ending. The twists made the journey interesting and threw me as a reader off-guard, though, which caused me in turn to come up with some crazy ideas about the plot and the ending..


spoiler:

As a whole, I think that Jasmina's route to the dungeon took maybe a bit too much time compared to the other parts.
I would've been fun if you'd elaborate a bit more the chapter Dreamville Inn, since now it feels like it's there only for Jasmina to enter. That might a good spot to tell more about the people's views about Henry and 'facing the penalty of death', lol.

Random stuff:
Now, have you noticed that you're missing a chapter? The one between The Meeting and Meh, Fighting? Instead, you've posted The Meeting twice.

While I was reading, I ran into some more tipos. And the absolute majority of those were mix-ups between 'then' and 'than'. I really suggest that you go through your text with some text-editor and use the find-option, hunting down all instances of 'then' and checking whether they are there up for comparison (-> 'than') or about time (-> no change).

I think that's about it. If you want me to try to comment some part of the epic more specific, do poke me!
DF  Post #: 21
7/13/2008 14:51:58   
Mistermafio
Member

Wow, I didn't expect you to finish reading this so soon. That's great though, now I really don't have anything holding me back from posting the first chapters of tFKoNH. What a title...

Anyway, no you won't find out anything about the stepmother in this one *hint hint*.

Heh, musing over one of my poems... ^>^

Anyway, about your comments:
Even though I kinda agree with you on the second and third comment I think it'd be better for me and for the poem if I waited a while before changing anything as drastically on it. I will keep it in mind for an eventual rewrite though.

I will add the missing chapter as soon as I find it... Which could take a little while and I'll make sure to go around the entire epic soon enough to spell check it.

I guess this means all of my regular readers have given their comments about the poem. I doubt there will be anyone else reading or commenting here in a while. Pretty soon I'll put my new epic up... And hope even more people will read / enjoy it.
It was fun writing this.
AQ  Post #: 22
7/19/2008 1:01:54   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


*dances with joy*

I finally finished this, MM. Though I have taken much time and felt a second rate friend for it, I can now say I am done.

This was a fun story to read and I really enjoyed it. Once I was able to synchronize my brain to the style, nothing could stop me. I like how you have so many in L&L involved in the story somehow. Makes the story more, well intimate is not the word I want to use, but I lack the ability to come up with one right now.

Carlos' character was interesting and it was good to see his transformation. Jasmina was something else, all spitfire and blade. But she was true to who she was, her word, and those she considered friend or love. Henry...despicable rat. I enjoyed reading him die.

So, I am assuming my next stop is your poetry thread and the next epic to grace L&L?

< Message edited by Eukara -- 7/19/2008 1:03:02 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
7/19/2008 1:51:04   
jerenda
Member

Done, is it? Well, I suppose I shall read it sometime soon. *puts this on her rather short to-do list*

Don't expect massive editing though- I shall just be reading it for enjoyment. ^_^

_____________________________

EC! EC! EC~
AQ DF  Post #: 24
7/19/2008 17:00:47   
Mistermafio
Member

Ooh, replies! ^>^

Euky, you wouldn't be a second rate friend even if you never finished reading this. You'd be a second rate editor, but that's something completely different now is it? :^P

I kept the amount of cameo's high because, well, because I like L&L and the people in it mainly. My newer epic will probably have a few less cameo's as I have a very fixed idea that doesn't allow for a whole lot of them. At least not a whole lot of large ones.

I'm glad you enjoyed my characters. I had tried a lot to make them enjoyable. I'm glad it worked out.

I'm interested to see you read my next epic, if you have the time of course, and especially what you think of the main character in it. I think that might be very intresting for me as a writer as well as for you as a reader.

Thank you for reading this, I couldn't ask for more.

Jerenda, I don't think I can give you as long as a reply as I gave Euky... But then again, your posts wasn't as long as hers either. :^P\

I'm not expecting anything more then that you'll enjoy it Jerenda. And if that expectation doesn't get fulfilled it's my fault anyway.
Have fun reading this.
AQ  Post #: 25
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