spoiler:

Well, then, I can assume that it's one of the unintroduced three characters. 'Cause

Gaia--very strong magic potential. And that usually means something special. But her parents were just ordinary. And I just don't get that kind of feeling from her character. She seems to have other purposes. (Speaking of which, I need to add my theories on her.)

Sarah--Well, we really don't see (yet) any potential in her at all. For all we know, she's a character to stand on the sidelines with absolutely no power at all. So theoretically, the way to allow her to become somehow important would be to make her the angel. But, again, I don't get that kind of a feeling from her. Simply put, it doesn't seem like something likely to happen.

Breeze--I don't think so. Her royal lineage just makes everything about her say 'no'. I simply cannot believe it is her for the moment. Practically the only way I see it happening is if she receives a near life-threatening injury to herself, 'awaking hidden powers'. But I doubt that.



Now, who is this character? Well, crazy guesses...

-A rogue. No official nationality. (About 25% possibility)

-Someone working for Aethon, just hasn't been needed yet, hence not introduced. (25%)

-Andy mentioned 'kill both of you'. While the other we're supposed to assume is Inyro, it could be another character...(10%)

That leaves me with 40%, right?

-Is working for Cronois (25%)

-Is just a normal human yet to be introduced (10%)

-The other 5% is reserved for combinations of the above (such as double agent, for example) and plot twists I cannot predict.

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Ryan followed Robina into the far right corner of the large, department-store size room

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and glanced lazily at the many shirts and pants lying haphazardly on the tables.

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he could almost see shoppers searching valiantly through the mountains of clothing for what they needed.

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but thought better of himself and remained quiet.

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I've never actually been in here before

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revealing a blue tube top fit tightly over a white tee-shirt.

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the young girl asked, in awe.

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Robina glanced down and, seeing the opening, felt her face redden deeper.

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Ryan raised an eyebrow at the girl's exactness.

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"What're you, her personal clock?"

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The girl muttered something under her breath, her chocolate-brown hair muffling her words further.

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"I might as well be," Robina said, turning to face the boy with somewhat cold eyes.

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Ryan let his mind drift off of the current conversation as he contemplated the girl's unfinished statement.

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'What was she not telling me?' he wondered silently. 'And how does she know Breeze so well?'

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put her overworking mind to the side.

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Ryan and Gaia left Robina a near half hour later,

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"Are you sure you're carrying enough, there?"

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Ryan turned to see Sarah, grinning wide, and he sighed.

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The two continued walking and, as they reached the large oaken doors of the dining hall the child stopped.

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"Where are we going to put these clothes?"

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took the clothes from Ryan and Gaia, and took off down the hall

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and in his frustration he called over one of the waiting servants.

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"Yes, can I ask what business you have with her?"

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She led the two through a maze of tables to a section of tables near the kitchen.

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One of the waiters was at the table quickly, and bowed low before introducing herself as Kristen.

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Kristen turned then to Gaia

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and though it took her a moment she recognized the child.

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and she'll be training with my close friends Aria and Ryan beginning tomorrow.

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"So, Ewan, why were you staring at her?"

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That dainty food that your girls eat outside of Aethon?

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silently for another moment before they too turned to their food.

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The meal passed for the most part in silence

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the occupants of the table too busy with their respective dinner to take time talking.

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Breaking the mutual silence, from time to time, was the servant Kristen.

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the servant asked, her voice low and almost lost

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Again, however, the white-haired girl had fallen quiet.

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Twenty-four doors down the hall, Breeze opened a polished, metallic door and stepped inside.

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"Now you can answer," Breeze said strongly, "without giving an excuse."

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chains dangling from the opposite.

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Kristen spun around, fear sending adrenaline coursing through her, and finding no escape grew more frantic than before.

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bring this servant to the wall and chain her, please

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but unable to deny the princess he stepped forward.

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he led her to the wall decorated with simple, steel chains.

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chains and ankle chains as well. He backed away slowly in the direction of the smiling princess

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Kristen's tears fell harder, and she cried out in fear,

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The tip of the princess' sword rested against the base of Kristen's neck.

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Breeze said, allowing her rapier to pierce the girl's skin.

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Breeze removed her blade from the servant, and returned it to its sheath

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Don't ask, please. Now, Kristen

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What did your bother do during the raid?

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She and Ryan sat on the well-padded wood chairs, and watched the chained servant with interest.

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I had long ago forgiven your tribe of their actions.

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My lord, what conditions have you been living in

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Works fine withou it.

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I don't think that word is necessary. It threw off the flow of the sentence and it's not needed. She's been here or she hasn't. There's no real "actually" It could be passed off as speech, but I'd still take it out for flow reasons.

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I'd spell it "t-shirt"

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I personally wouldn't use the contraction here. It reads weirdly, and such a contraction is only used by people who are very, er, "contractive" in their speech. I don't recall Ryan being extremely contractive.

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I wouldn't put the comma there. The pausing seems unnecessary.

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Also, I'm a bit iffy about the way you phrased this. Since grinning is Sarah's only action, the two commas (or at least the first one) shouldn't technically be there.

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"in his frustration" is also a parenthetical aside. But putting commas around there is overusing commas and pauses. So I suggest a rephrase. "and he called over one of the waiting servants in his frustration."

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"and she'll begin training with my close friends Aria and Ryan tomorrow."

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The meal passed for the most part in silence

I'd switch the parts around. Flows better. "The meal passed in silence for the most part"

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Instead of telling you to add commas, I'm gonna tell you to remove them here. They're unnecessary and rather bad for the flow of this sentence.

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Flows better without the comma. Grammar can be bended a bit here.

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I'd kill that comma. Flows better without a pause.

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the scarlet haired girl had saved Ryan's life

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And since then she had seemed almost otherworldly

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The scarlet haired goddess was at his side

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"Ryan, you're okay," the relieved girl said.

"Thank God," Kristen said

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and when it had died away the girl continued. "We

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Ryan as Aria stood and backed away, and with a small smile motioned for

spoiler:

Breeze said it wasn't safe for people to know she had an older sister.


...In royalty, isn't the older one usually the person who is in charge?
I know you said

"I didn't want to be," Robina said simply. "I don't care for power, or prestige, or anything like that. My dad was the King, yeah, but I'm just like everyone else - normal."



...But royalty generally don't get a choice.

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Kingdom of Ru-Ayl and get their

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turned to the servant and said, seriously, "It's underground."

spoiler:

That part about the interlocking werewolf stories--the second that Kristen mentioned heading home, I made the prediction. I didn't care to think of it before, because, well, I was waiting for Chapter Nineteen. But it was kinda predictable.

spoiler:

Robina, It was a little predictable since chapter seventeen. Again, I didn't think much of it, waiting for nineteen. But when 'next in line' was mentioned, I instantly thought Robina, Ewan, or *Unintroduced Character*. It wouldn't be any other. For a moment, I thought *unintroduced*, then Ewan, then Robina, then Ewan again, then Robina was what I settled for. So, yea, you ALMOST got me there.

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"He said that he would pledge his life to the Goddess of Lights, and promised me to do the same if I ever met her. He told me that he had met her, and saw her through the night her Protector was killed." Inyro looked to Kristen. "My father must have written this."

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"He was, Kristen," Inyro said, slowly transforming into his own werewolf form. He stepped over to the girl, laying a hand on her tense wrist as he gazed into her eyes, trying to calm her. "My father wrote about that night in his journal, and about the girl who was saved."

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The Coronated Regime Of Ninety-One Immortal Soldiers

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Chapter 20—“Praise the Lord, and Pass the Ammunition”

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but upon hearing of the princess’ kidnapping the soldiers came in droves to the castle gates.

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By the dawn of Breeze’s fifth day missing

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organized day and night, every soldier aware that time was already against them.

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the soldiers’ plate armor clacking

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in the kingdom’s history, having created a compromise

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to meet with the princess’ advisors. Robina

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Unaffected by the princess’ orders, Aria

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and with little hesitation he delved into elemental techniques.

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and within twenty-four hours the boy had the basic understanding of the technique. For the next two days he perfected his accuracy

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a mage’s best weapon.

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with Kristen’s brother, Lance, and the

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day since Breeze’s capture, Robina met

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“I want you all to go ahead of the main army,” she said, meeting each person’s eyes as she sweeped the group. “I don’t want any of you to be heros, but I want to know that my sister is safe.”

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“These two are allies who live in Cronois. They came as soon as they heard of Breeze’s capture, and have volunteered to help in her rescue.”

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“What makes you believe them?”

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“They are loyal to Aethon,” Robina said. “I know this for certain.”

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“When do we leave?”

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Again she met each person’s eyes, and with a sigh she said, “Right now. It’s been too long already. I don’t want to send you out so late, but I’m truly getting worried.”

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“It’s fine, princess,” Ryan said in the silence that followed. “We all understand.”

“Yeah,” Aria agreed. “Just, don’t let anyone else see that. You need to be strong, for Breeze’s sake.”

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“Princess?”

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“Ryan, I told you to call me-“

“Princess, why do you want me to go with the others? I’m not as strong, or as fast…”

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“I have plenty of people in the army who are stronger and faster. I have plenty of men and women with more experience.” She slid her hand slowly to Ryan’s heart. “But no one loves my sister as much as you do. I have more faith in you than I have in Aria, Inyro, or anyone else I know.”

“How…?”

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“If it wasn’t obvious enough, Aria’s been telling me every day that you and my sister are going to get married one day.”

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“I know he loves her,” she said quietly, tears beginning to fall down her cheeks. “But part of me still hopes it isn’t true.”

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“You two are late, so you get to carry the heavy stuff,”

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and Ryan at one point knocked Kristen to the ground.

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“That was hell,” he said. Turning to Kristen, he added, “Sorry, again.”

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“I’m fine, Ryan. Really,” the werewolf said, smiling genuinely. “Don’t worry about it.”

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“She’s a klutz on her own,” Lance called back to the boy. “She’s fallen so many times before, she’s not going to get hurt that easily.”

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“Shut up, Lance,” Kristen said, grinning sheepishly at Ryan. “He’s lying,” she told him. “I’ve got great balance.”

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and flashing of headlights drew the group’s attention to a pair of Ford Mustang

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“Anyone else have a driving license?”

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“I have one, but I accidentally left it at home.”

“What?” Aria said, her mouth hanging. Shaking her head, she looked around desperately. “Anyone else?”

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“Maybe… if we don’t get caught, we could swing by my house and pick it up.”

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“We don’t have any other options. All right. You’ll follow me, but keep your headlights as dim as possible.”

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and in the darkness Ryan was unable to tell if the hooded

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and followed Aria’s GT onto a single-lane dirt road, lightly rutted

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Aria and Kristen walked up to him, and they waited quietly as lights were thrown on inside.

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Ryan’s mother opened the door and, still tired, stared blankly at the three. “What?”

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“Mom, I need to get my wallet,” Ryan said quickly, and pushed past the half-asleep woman as he ran into the house. When he returned a minute later, he found Aria helping his mother to the dining room, walking her to the nearest chair. “You okay, Mom?”

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“It’s not… it can’t be… he’s not…”

“Mom? It’s me, Ryan.”

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“It’s no use, she’s too shocked to understand you. Let’s go.” She started toward the door, where Kristen was waiting, but turned when the boy did not follow her. “Ryan!” she hissed. “Now.”

“But my Mom-“

“She’ll be fine. Now come on!”

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two had reached Maryland, and cruised through Washington, D.C without

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She killed her car’s engine and stepped out,

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“We’re going to do this now,” she said. “I can’t risk someone finding us.”

“What’s the plan, then?”

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“We’re going to sneak in through a partially blocked passage, find out where the princess is, and get out.”

“And how are we going to find her?” one of the cloaked figures asked, her nervous voice muffled by her hood. “If we take information from someone, they’ll tell. And if we don’t we’ll wander aimlessly for days. Cronois is a labyrinth to anyone who doesn’t know it.”

“Good thing you two know it then, right?” Lance said, cracking his knuckles. “Where is this passage, anyway?”

“The sewers,”

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as Aria turned on a flashlight from

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“Nice to finally see who we’re working with,”

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“Any chance we’ll learn your names before this is over?”

“We only wore so much to keep ourselves safe from any scouts,” the woman said, frowning. “We wouldn’t have been able to help you kids if they identified us.”

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“I’ll admit, I wanted to take that garb off a few times. But then, I’m sure this old hag was thinking the same thing.”

“Who’re you calling an old hag, you gnarled badger?”

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“You remind me of-“

“Archie?” the man asked, and the boy nodded. “I knew my Dad still had that fight in him.”

“Your father-in-law, you selfish sneak. He’s my father.”

“Oh, what’s the difference? Anyway, Ryan, who does he do the fighting with now?”

“Robina,” the boy said, and nearly broke out laughing at the shock on the couple’s face. “They’ve gotten pretty good at it, too.”

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“Your father’s been fighting with the princess! I knew that man was going senile.”

“Oh, what happened to him being your father, Randall? All of a sudden you want nothing to do with him. You brown-nosing –“

“Oh, shut up,” Aria said, cutting off the woman. “We have more inportant matters.”

Inyro laughed sharply. “Yeah, like where a video camera is when you need one. That was priceless.”

“Enough, all of you,” Lance said. “Let’s hear what the redhead has to say.”

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“The entrance is down that tunnel to the left,” she said, pointing as she spoke. “We need to get in, get someone to tell us where the princess is, and get out. Now, Randall, umm-“

“Sally.”

“-Sally, can you two get that information without drawing attention?”

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“We’ll come back as soon as we know where she is,”

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“I don’t know what’s going to happen inside,” she said. “We need to be ready for anything.”

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Ryan’s direction. “Good evening,” he said darkly. “What brings you five out so late?”

spoiler:

“G- Greg?”

“My god, nothing gets by you, does it?”


Psst...this was kinda predictable. His reaction to what Ryan had written was similar to Aria's. He knew the truth from the start. I thought that you'd somehow manage to work him into the story later on...and being an enemy would be the perfect way to do it. It made sense. Since Aria's reaction to Ryan's writing (truck scene and beyond), I had predicted this.

spoiler:

Ryan’s head. “How’ve you been?”

“Greg, what’re you doing here? I thought-“

“You don’t do much thinking, so don’t strain yourself. Just because I’m going to kill you, I’ll do the last bits of thinking for you. Yes, I’m a subject of Cronois. Actually, I’m the best killer in the whole kingdom. So when you told me you met the white-haired brat’s partner, I decided to follow you a little more closely. You led me right to her, you idiot.”

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“You’re dead!”

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as the gunman’s actions became clear.

spoiler:

through Greg’s handgun, running through


Greg’s should be Greg's

spoiler:

“You kidnapped Breeze,” the boy said softly, another bolt striking the shooter’s forehead. “You killed Blaine, and Randall, and Sally.”

“I would’ve killed that princess, too. But the prince wants her for himself. He can have her.”



Not much spoiler stuff in here, mostly from earlier chapters. The only thing that makes this a spoiler would be killing Randall and Sally.

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“I hope she’s being tortured right now. I hope she cries for help, that bi-“

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Fire engulfed the gunman’s body, and he let out a piercing scream as his body burned.

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“Never say that about my princess.”

spoiler:

“Ryan’s run on ahead. Kristen- wouldn’t listen to us, and she followed him.”

Exhaling deeply, Aria shook her head. “I can’t go on right now. I’m too tired. I just hope the army gets here soon.”

“What about Ryan and Kristen?” Lance asked, worried.

“They’re giving us away. There’s nothing we can do now, except pray that they either rescue Breeze, or survive long enough for the army to rescue them.”

Inyro fell to his knees next to Aria, sighing loudly. “At least you’re still alive, Goddess.”

“I’d rather Ryan be alive.” The Goddess of Lights smiled. “He’s got the potential to be a king.”

“Or,” Lance said, leaning against the wall of the sewer, “a conqueror.”

quote:

Firstly, the opening. While I like the generalness of it and how it's different, there's one thing about it I really and bugged by. The use of the word "was" or "to be" Instead of "weapons were clashing" how about "weapons clashed"? The latter is much stronger and active, making it more interesting.

The fight scene... Hmm, you implied battle more than specified. Being the kind of writer I am, that really doesn't appeal to me. Instead of "She threw fireballs at him and he dodged" maybe "Flames ignited on her fingertips before shooting towards him. He dodged to the side, pressing himself against the wall. Raising his rifle..." Blah, blah, blah. You get the point. Detail > implication. But that's just me, being an action writer.

Lastly, description. We've been over this. Describe more. I wanna smell the tunnel, feel its texture, see the impenetrable darkness of it, ect.

spoiler:

I did think Greg's part was kinda...brief, though. I didn't expect him to (apparently) get killed in his re-introduction.

spoiler:

While I had predicted him coming back, I though he'd probably get most of a chapter, at least, before being killed. I mean, really, the drama of the revelation would've been greater. I was actually kinda disappointed when he died so soon.

spoiler:

Chapter 3-5.