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8/12/2008 22:01:16

Richie
Member

hey Kev. Having fun in Prague? Comfortable in the bed with your brother? *snicker* Don't lose your head getting kicked in the face.

just finished Chapters 20 and 21. They were good. The end surprized me though. Didn't expect that the would fail three times with three good plans.

n.e.way: Enjoy the Czech Republic.

P.S.: How's Radian coming along?

DF	Post #: 76

8/13/2008 4:01:13

mastin2
Member

Me? Hesitate? Never. You've got me so addicted that I just HAVE to leave every opinion that I can! :)

quote:

-- “If You’re in Love With Me…”

Like I said, recommendation of making the curves...uncurved. Oh, and might I ask--why is the '--' not solid, like it normally would be in word? I suppose you DID fix something! :P

quote:

play dumb, you know where she is.

personally, I'd make the comma a semicolon.

Well, that's all. Wow. Great chapter! Hilarious as well! :)

spoiler:

With Ryan getting caught...three? times...it was quite humorous. :P

Post #: 77

8/13/2008 20:47:43

_Depression
Member

xD I wanted to finish the chapter after the prince's room scene, but decided to include Ryan's reaction afterward. The first attempt was more to relieve the tension than anything else, but the second and third were mostly to express Ryan's emotional reaction to the scene he witnessed.

As an afterthought (a fairly important one), the next chapter will be the finale of "Author's Fantasy," the self-titled Part One of Author's Fantasy. Part Two, "Fantasy Shattered," will begin with it's own 'prelude' of sorts, a journal entry from Ryan Aberythstye.

And so, without further ado, I would like to present the conclusion of Author's Fantasy, "Death's Theme Song." As always, I hope you enjoy the chapter, and remind you that comments of all types are welcome and enthusiastically received!

~Kevin

AQ	Post #: 78

8/15/2008 0:22:52

Richie
Member

*sob* I can't believe its over. You'll probably start "Fantasy Shattered" when school begins. I can't wait that long, man. I can wait with Part two, but just a little warning: I will attack you for Radian.

DF	Post #: 79

8/15/2008 0:32:27

_Depression
Member

xD You're going to hate me when I tell you I'm holding off on posting "Fantasy Shattered" until tomorrow. And that Chapter 24 is already being worked on.

=)

AQ	Post #: 80

8/15/2008 0:50:16

Richie
Member

it had to be prague

DF	Post #: 81

8/15/2008 0:53:19

_Depression
Member

It did.

Anyway, for those who don't know, Fantasy Shattered is begun! Chapter 23 is released in the AF thread! Welcome, my friends, to the land of Bohemia.

*Pronunciation*

Czech - Check (don't worry about the little things)
Karlstejn - Karl (Carl) stain (but the "s" sounds like "sh")

=)

AQ	Post #: 82

8/15/2008 0:54:49

Richie
Member

don't you mean CW. where did AF thread come from? lol

< Message edited by Richie -- 8/15/2008 0:55:17 >

DF	Post #: 83

8/15/2008 0:56:05

_Depression
Member

AF thread. As in, where the Author's Fantasy chapters are posted. Just didn't want any of the readers to be looking for a "Fantasy Shattered" thread. =)

AQ	Post #: 84

8/15/2008 1:25:47

mastin2
Member

(psst...

quote:

[soze=2]

I think you see what's wrong there...)

Wow. Amazing. Reading now. Expect a HUGE comment on this! Maybe not critique, since you have improved greatly, but definitely comments! :)

spoiler:

Two thousand, thirty-six men and women arrived in Florida by means of eight hundred airplane tickets, seven hundred train tickets, five double-decker tour buses, and a small fleet of personal watercraft. Robina herself rode in the passenger seat of an electric-blue Chevy Camaro, Sarah at the wheel following the line of tour buses that housed a small portion of Aethon’s Royal Army.

Ha, ha...and I thought I would have to ASK how the army was going to get to Cronois! :P

quote:

to the battle above ground, I can’t even imagine how long it would take in that maze.”

I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

He wasn’t a fighter, he was an assassin

Again, I'd make that comma a semicolon. Jut my preference, though...

quote:

I can’t stay here much longer, the five on my left have too

Yea, my opinion strikes again; I'd make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

His heart pounding as the brightly lit obelisk room grew near, he let out a hearty battlecry and

I'd make the comma either a semicolon or a period.

quote:

When the enemy guns ran out of ammo he dropped them, drawing his handguns and leaping

I'd put a comma after 'ammo'.

quote:

ejected an empty ammunitions cartridge from her handgun, and the sound of the metal container hitting the stone floor shattered the quiet, sparking both sides

The pause at the 'and' seems a little...well, unnecessary. I recommend removing the 'and' and making that comma a semicolon. An alternative would be dropping the comma right there.

quote:

“The left one not as much, but the two on the right have been-“

if you keep the curve, then the end is curved the wrong way.

quote:

And hurry, she’s cold.

I'd make the comma a semicolon...

quote:

In an instant he was gone, his lupine speed

I might put a comma after 'instant'.

spoiler:

OMG! TEH PLOT TWIST!!! Lance...'traitor' to Aethon...his tribe was supposedly allied to them. But...we can't be sure about that. His werewolf tribe's allies were allied to Cronois, no? Who's to say that their tribe wasn't secretly as well? But, at the very least, Lance is definitely allied to Cronois, because of this line: "and knowledge of the Cronois passageways".

...And Ryan is half-dead at this point. Ha, hah...but we all know Ryan isn't dead--the Primary Protagonist of a Story can't be PERMANENTLY killed off 'til near the very END of the story! :P

Gaia at the castle...being killed. That's interesting. There's hardly any major characters left at the castle. And targeting Gaia...wow. That truly is interesting. Theoretically, it could be a test to see if she survives, but the more probably assumption...an assassin/traitor. Right now, her being attacked makes little sense. For one thing, only a few people know that she's who she is. That's an amazing twist, there, Dep! I can say that I am truly mystified at that--who could do it? Why are they doing it? Stuff like that. I have a few theories, but I'd rather not say them.

Reading ahead, though...Ah, now it makes sense. You threw me off, there. GOOD JOB! :)

Okay, I'll leave my comments. The end of Part One seems like a good place to leave comments, instead of at the end of the beginning of Part two.

For one thing, look at the spoiler.

I am truly amazed at the twists you put in there near the end. I can say they were truly unexpected. I could not have seen them coming. The story is great. I am liking it! The mystery...the increasingly high level of action...the drama...it is simply amazing! You have quite some talent! :) The only thing I've noticed...of course, as the story gets more tragic in nature, it becomes more serious...which means less humor. :(

Oh, well...it's still great!

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 8/15/2008 3:18:35 >

Post #: 85

8/15/2008 1:36:40

_Depression
Member

fixed. =)

Can't wait for the comment!

Edit:

And you thought you would have to ask how the army got to Cronois... That's one of my favorite parts of writing, determining how every tiny detail occurs. I could tell you anything you wanted to know about any of my characters, past, present, or future. I know exactly what made Breeze seem so cold to Aria and Ryan early in the story, I know her likes, her dislikes, every time she's been outside of Aethon Castle since she was born.

And you thought you would have to... I could tell you which soldiers on the planes got aisle seats, window seats, middle seats, first class seats, which had a fear of heights... I could tell you that seventy of the soldiers had severe motion sickness problems, and that two of the boats (along with sixteen men on one of the planes) caught some kind of flu. One soldier even fell overboard during the voyage south, and his boat was delayed seven minutes.

And you thought you would have to ask. =)

< Message edited by _Depression -- 8/15/2008 2:20:58 >

AQ	Post #: 86

8/15/2008 3:14:12

mastin2
Member

...

. . .

Wow. That's some detail. I've had quite a few 'deleted scenes' from my stories about anywhere from one to a hundred characters...but the most there ever was would have to be a couple hundred in their daily lives. Nothing like THAT! :P

I left my comments. I am reading the new chapter, now! :)

quote:

Every character had his own plotline- his life.

technically, it should be 'his or her', not 'his'. Just being picky. :P

Finished reading! Corrected myself in the spoiler of my last post.

spoiler:

Oh, dear...the drama continues. They have to flee, eh? But I'd have to argue with Ryan. The fantasy would continue, even if it was tragic. If the wars never stopped and everything he knew was destroyed, that'd be tragic. There is no happy ending. In a never-ending fantasy, there is never a point in the story where happiness truly flourishes. There is, however, the tragedy of that fantasy. It remains tragic all the way through. Yet, ironically, there is NEVER a point in a story where sadness dominates. Because of one thing: Hope. Hope would drive them on, giving them little bits of happiness. If that hope is shattered, they find new hope. As long as there is hope, they do fine. Ryan living or being killed would not change this. His fantasy would never be truly shattered...

So, yea, always some type of happiness in the drama. Especially with a little humor thrown in to lighten the mood. *points to the last paragraph* lol, how often do the characters forget about each other in their first person journals? :P

Just my opinion. Good job! I'm already interested in part two! :)

-Mastin

< Message edited by mastin2 -- 8/15/2008 3:28:06 >

Post #: 87

8/15/2008 20:41:35

_Depression
Member

If you wrote a journal that no one else would have ready access to, would you honestly write 'his or her?' Ryan wouldn't, I can tell you that much.

xD Part Two should be at least as good as Part One, and I don't even want to speculate on the next part or two.

=)

AQ	Post #: 88

8/16/2008 5:19:45

Arthur The Brave One
Member

quote:

The plane in landing now in Prague,

Personally, I have some problems with this sentence. As in the form of a repetition of 'in'. I couldn't find anything else, though.

Congratulations on a succesfull start of part II! :D

Post #: 89

8/16/2008 18:25:27

_Depression
Member

Yay! ... damned typo...

AQ	Post #: 90

8/16/2008 21:53:13

Richie
Member

I told you you're slipping

DF	Post #: 91

8/16/2008 21:59:19

_Depression
Member

>.> shush...

AQ	Post #: 92

8/17/2008 14:17:00

deathwalker05
Member

The one who always reads stories, but never knows what to post has returned. Been keeping up with the story, have to admit you threw in some pretty good twists. Going to be interesting to see how the story changes now that the scenery is in Europe, mainly because ive never been to Europe, but oh well. As always great story and hope to see what happens next.

< Message edited by deathwalker05 -- 9/6/2008 18:52:02 >

AQ	Post #: 93

9/5/2008 23:49:59

Richie
Member

nice start to chapter 24. can't wait for the rest.

DF	Post #: 94

9/14/2008 2:26:57

_Depression
Member

Chapter 24 up. Short chapter.

Pronunciation:

Na skledanou: Nah _ sk(from "flask" or "task")-led-on-you

Vychod: Vee-ch(phlem)-ode (shorten the "o" a bit)

AQ	Post #: 95

9/14/2008 16:41:37

Richie
Member

wow. that was short compared to the rest, you gave me 2/3 of the entire chapter

DF	Post #: 96

9/17/2008 4:10:57

mastin2
Member

Oh...dear...Lorithia! I don't care about the LENGTH of the chapter; you just gave me ten minute's worth of work to clean up with all those typos/opinion differences!

quote:

The others caught up with her as she crossed into the airport, and she glanced back quickly to make sure everyone was present

the comma is made unnecessary by the presence of the 'and'. Remove it. Either that, or you could always remove the 'and' and make the comma a semicolon.

quote:

Aria and Kristen were each carrying one of the children, and Breeze giggled lightly. "They're not too heavy, are they?"

same thing; the comma is unnecessary because of the 'and'.

quote:

He ways less than you do, Mistress."

'ways' should be 'weighs'.

quote:

Ryan laughed, along with Breeze, and the two led the group through a small series of hallways, following the yellow signs for baggage claim.

personally, I think it'd sound better if you removed the first two commas and turned the 'and' into 'as'.

quote:

As the others made their ways over, he and Princess Breeze found a position close to where the baggage would come out, and watched as the belt started forward, the black slats passing by him slowly.

Again, the comma with the and...

quote:

We're already here, we might as well take our time and enjoy the whole experience."

I'd make that comma a semicolon.

quote:

His eyes immediately locked onto Sarah's, and he glared as he said, "Leave me alone."

In this case, I recommend a new sentence after "Sarah's", making the comma a period, dropping the 'and', and capitalizing 'he'.

quote:

Grumbling, the werewolf snatched the three bags off of the ground, and followed the princesses as they followed the arrows to the Customs desk.

again, the comma needs to be dropped before the 'and', as it unnecessarily slows the flow.

Well, whadaya know? Exactly ten minutes to critique! :P

Keep on writing! :) You're doing an excellent job so far; I always enjoy it!

-Mastin

Post #: 97

9/17/2008 20:56:19

paintdrop
Member

Hi, I've only read the first part of your story, but it sounds great so far. Have you ever thought of submitting it for publication?

Post #: 98

9/27/2008 22:02:59

_Depression
Member

mastin: For your first two corrections, I thought the commas added a bit of a pause in the sentence, to keep the reader from reading it wrong. As for that "ways" is "weighs" ... you didn't see anything. I think that was the first major typo I've made since the early chapters, lol. xD

paintdrop: I've actually been considering it, but I'd have to go back and re-write the first ten chapters or so... I wrote those back in the first quarter of the year, and I've improved considerably since...

=)

AQ	Post #: 99

9/27/2008 22:09:49

Richie
Member

if this gets published, i will own more copies than a library.

< Message edited by Richie -- 9/27/2008 22:10:03 >

DF	Post #: 100

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