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RE: Crimz's Workz: Visions+more [Has character pics|Updated 11/30]

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12/8/2008 13:04:30   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello!

Comments for ReVisions, Chapter 3. I'll start with the details... and beware, yet again I came up with a lot of suggestions....

Post 1
1)
quote:

A short woman, with her hair tied by a ponytail, sat behind a table, signing papers.

I'm quite certain that preposition should be 'in'. If you want to use 'by', I think this should go: 'with her hair tied by a ribbon'

2)
quote:

He was known in the campus to possess superior knowledge among the community, so a scholarship was most likely going to be offered to him.

Just my opinion, but you already used the verb 'possessed' a couple of lines ago, and to me, this word is a bit too striking to be used so often when describing persons' qualities. Therefore, I'd suggest editing to a simpler construction:
'He was known in the campus for his superior knowledge...'
Your call, of course!

3)
quote:

But at the middle of the school year?

I'm almost certain that preposition should be 'in'.

4)
quote:

she asked, thinking that she was finally able to catch the two in their weakest moment. Waiting for a reply, she apathetically continued signing documents.

Another matter of opinion, lol. I feel like there is a contradiction here. Those words 'finally able to catch' work for raising the interest; she's really keen to catch them, right? Therefore, the 'apathetically' seems to contradict the mood, eventhough the apathy concentrates on the signing (and she completely stops it later on). Unfortunately, my suggestion for this is a bit complicated...

'Waiting for a reply, she continued signing the documents, but with even less attention to the process than earlier.'

5)
quote:

Knowing that searching for his documents was now unnecessary, he folded his arms, confidently waiting for a reply.

More of just my opinions, lol. You tell us that he stops the search by describing him folding his arms. That's why I think that you could replace that bolded part, since you tell the exact same thing with his actions, if I'm making any sense... A suggestion:
'Knowing that presenting his documents was now unnecessary...'

6)
quote:

” Very well,” the woman repeated. The woman grabbed another paper. “Sign here.”

Imo, combining these two parts would make this flow better:
'the woman repeated, grabbing another paper.'

7)
quote:

The principal made no response as they left. Laughing at the success of their deception, they heard a voice, similar to the principal’s, screaming joyful interjections.

Although it is quite obvious, I think a transition would fit in here to ease up the reading:
'The principal made no response as they left, laughing at the success of their deception. As soon as the door had closed after them, they heard a voice, similar to the principal's, screaming joyful interjections.'
That suggestion might need some additional polishing, though...

8)
quote:

Lanceler was made to believe that the reason for his dropping out being so easy was that the principal didn’t want him to stay.

Imo, this is a quite complicated sentence for stating a not-so-complicated issue. You have two instances of 'was' and 'that' in a sentence that doesn't even require a comma. My suggestion for simplifying would be:
'Lanceler suspected that his dropping out was so easy because the principal wanted him gone.'

9)
quote:

Maybe his mischievous acts were bad for the school’s reputation. After all, a school would often care more about its reputation than its students and services offered.

If you want to, you could avoid some repetition by changing that first 'reputation' to 'image'.

10)
quote:

It was chained to a lamp pole with the mirror which Ryan attached to his belt strap.

Chained with a mirror? I guess you were going for 'chained with the mirror chain', That would, of course, cause some repetition, so how about changing the verb to 'fastened', 'tied', or 'secured to a lamp pole with the mirror chain'?

11)
quote:

Next to it was a black steed with a yellow saddle. Ryan grabbed his helmet. The mask absorbed light with its crimson tint. After putting his on, Ryan offered Danielle a pink helmet. The mask was shaped like a heart (Also according to Lanceler, the heart shape is actually two kidneys that are overlapped at the bottom) and possessed a dark-green shade that almost appeared to be black.

This part felt a bit choppy with its short sentences, imo. I seem like you have separated the actions completely with the descriptive parts: you have Ryan putting on the mask in one sentence and describing the mask in another, same with Danielle's mask. How about combining a little to make it feel a tad less choppy. I conjured up a suggestion about the latter part, but unfortunately, I couldn't come up with any reasonable suggestions for the former part...

'After putting his on, Ryan offered Danielle a pink helmet with a mask shaped like a heart. (According to Lanceler, the heart shape is actually two kidneys overlapping at the bottom.)' Its shade shimmered in a dark-green hue that, in certain light, appeared almost black.'

12)
quote:

Ryan felt a bit annoyed of her mentioning of his parents.

Not 100% sure, but I suspect that preposition is not needed.

13)
quote:

Lanceler laughed, seemingly forcing himself. “I forged documents about my scholarship and showed it to them. Now let’s go!”

Hmm. You told earlier that Ryan's lack of tactics annoyed Lanceler. I would imagine that Lanceler's laugh would therefore be forced and not just seemingly so. That's why I's suggest changing 'seemingly' to 'obviously'. In addition, I thought Lanceler stopped searching for the papers from his pockets and never really showed them to the principal?

14)
quote:

With its past of being a battle-oriented school, it would seem logical for it to become a dragon-slaying school as well.”

Typoed quote mark?

15)
quote:

The three headed to the forest, but halting them was a city patroller who rode on a black motorcycle.

A bit cumbersome structure, imho. A simple passive voice would fit in here as well.
'The three headed to the forest, but were halted on the way by a city patroller...'

16)
quote:

The mask on the guard’s helmet was raised, exposing him to the light. However, his identity was kept hidden with a pair of shades covering hi eyes.

On the other hand, I would not use passive voice here as it is the patroller who raises his own mask, right? A suggestion:
'The guard raised his mask, exposing his face to the light in the process.'
The other bolded spot is just a typo.

17)
quote:

The charismatic face on the boy, revealed the opening on his helmet, and charming smile were filled with confidence; such confidence persuaded the watchman to believe him.

a) I find that 'face on a boy' a bit odd formulation. Did you mean 'The charismatic expression on the boy's face,...'
b) I suspect you're missing 'by' between those words.
c) I also suspect you don't need that verb here. Although you might need an article before the 'charming smile' => 'and a charming smile filled with confidence'
d) My last point about this sentence is just a suggestion for rewording. Because the sentence has already listed quite a few things, this might flow better without the repetition. My suggestion for the whole thing:
'The charismatic expression on the boy's face, revealed by the opening on his helmet, and a charming smile, filled with such a confidence, persuaded the watchman to believe him.' You call, as always!

18)
quote:

Shyness about being too close to Ryan, fear of what they were getting into, grief over her mother’s death and running away, and a crush on her companion.

Just a suggestion, but since she got the idea only a moment ago, how about: 'and a growing crush on her companion.'

19)
quote:

It was written with red ink and wet with tears. It was a bit crumpled and nailed on a wall four feet above the ground.

Surprise! Another suggestion! How about getting rid of those 'it was'-thingies with:
'Written with red ink and wet with tears, the crumbled note hung nailed on the wall four feet above the ground. '

20)
quote:

Danielle, I trust you. I know that you didn’t kill your mother but did you really have to runaway?

Let's see if our dictionaries disagree on this. =P According to mine, it's:
runaway, noun
run away, verb
So, I think you'd need to add a space in there.


Post 2

1)
quote:

“Hey, you’re not the boss of me!”

Since it's speech, you could also go for the simpler options like:
'Hey you're not my boss!'
or longer put more common
'Hey, don't think you can boss me around!'
However, the original might fit Ryan's personality better, so it's really up to you; you know what suits him best.

2)
quote:

Lanceler laughed forcingly and took a black king from his pocket.

Another one of my opinions, but I think 'forcing' is one of those words that sound really weird when turned into an adjective. (My firefox's spell-check doesn't recognise that word, btw.) So, imo, following options would sound more natural:
'Lanceler let out a forced laugh as he took a black king...'
or
Lanceler's laugh sounded strained as he took a black king...'

3)
quote:

Its varnished layer, covered by a level of black, gave it a shiny effect.

Hmm. 'A level of black' what? Are you missing a word here or am I missing something....again... I just ain't gettin' it...=P

4)
quote:

Ryan, let me show you have hard life is with two leaders, how hard chess is with two kings…

I suspect there's an editing mix-up here. Maybe that 'is' shouldn't be there?

5)
quote:


“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. He’s really good,” commented Danielle. “I know the outcome; Lanceler will surely win.” No one replied. Feeling a bit embarrassed, Danielle turned her head away and said, “Anyways, I’ll be setting the tents.” Danielle dismounted the motorcycle, grabbed Ryan’s backpack, and pulled from it three rolled up green tents. Danielle, you idiot!

You repeat the name of Danielle a bit too much here, imo. I suggest you change the bolded instance to 'She'
Also, I suspect you need to insert a hyphen there 'rolled-up'

6)
quote:

Lanceler’s eyes emitted a yellow light, creating an intimidating gesture.

Hmm. I sorta connect 'gesture' with something one would do with one's hands, but with eyes only... Maybe another word like 'look' would work better?

7)
quote:

the blond swiftly took one piece from his left hand, and placed it on its proper default location.

Imo, 'default location' already implicitly tells out that the location was also proper, so you wouldn't necessarily need both of those words.

8)
quote:

“Thanks,” he replied, taking the sticks offered to him.

What was told previously makes it very clear that the food was offered to him and so does the word 'offered' in this very same sentence, so I think those two words are too obvious to be repeated anymore. -> 'taking the sticks' or 'taking the offered sticks'

9)
quote:

The brunet looked at her, knowing that something was wrong. It was obvious that the murder that happened earlier that day was bothering her.

Imho, that last sentence is really unneeded because the one before it says that she's bothered and what's been told already in the story also makes it clear why she's bothered. I'd suggest removing that altogether.

10)
quote:

With a pink comb, Danielle brushed her long, wet strands of brown hair. Her hair was a bit messy, and her wrist carried her headband.

It feels like these two descriptions of her hair were in reversed order, imo. You could start with the fact that her hair was a mess and then continue that she was in the process of brushing it. Or, you could left that 'messy'-part out, because from the fact that she was brushing her hair could be deduced that it was messy. Unless she's a perfectionist, lol.

11)
quote:

Shaking his head with no sense at all, Ryan headed towards his motorcycle.

I'm afraid you've lost me here... It sounds now like he lost his reason. Were you aiming at something like: 'Shaking his head at his own nonsense comments, Ryan..'?

12)
quote:

Has his excavations given him enough too much exercise?

I think you need to lose either 'enough' or 'too much'

13)
quote:

Even with two people carried, Knightmare didn’t seem to be bothered.

Sounds a bit strange as it is now; maybe you're missing 'being' in front of 'carried'. Anyways, the passive form seems uncalled for here. Would:
'Even burdened with two people, Knightmare didn't seem to be bothered '
work?

14)
quote:

It had seemed as if he had reached his limit but he still went on.

Not sure about the tenses here. 'It seemed as if he had reached...'?

15)
quote:

Lanceler could see him struggle; Ryan’s chest, which can be seen through the hole for his head, was tired red.

Hmm. I think you need to be more specific here: which hole for his head, how?

16)
quote:

The small pain in his legs started to grow, tripping the man down.

Just a suggestion for a more describing, less stating formulation:
The pain that had started small, grew until it strained his every muscle, tripping the man down.

17)
quote:

But that was the last thing he remembered as the brunette fell off his vehicle unconscious.

Typo.



Post 3

1)
quote:

Getting up, Ryan nearly fell as his tired legs unsuccessfully supported his body.

Yet again (sorry if you're by now bored out of your wits with my suggestions =P) I have a suggestion about trimming. Because, imo, a simple '..as his tired legs failed to support his body' would make a greater impact here. 'unsuccessfully supported' sounds a bit too formal to me to describe pain and fatigue. Might be just me though...

2)
quote:

Gripping onto a white leather region of her foot wear

I'm pretty sure that's one word.

3)
quote:

Ryan had to carefully place and land his feet at each step– or else, his legs would collapse and send him falling through the remaining steps.

I would cut the repetition here by changing the latter 'steps' with 'stairs'

4)
quote:

Since the ingredients were imported once a month from the Eastern Region, the prices were incredibly more expensive.

Imo, the word 'more' makes this a tad too cumbersome, so I's just remove it.

5)
quote:

Even a weak push would be enough to easily blow him off his legs.

Another suggestion. This might flow better with fewer of those short words:
'Even a weak push would have easily blown him off his legs.'
I think the 'even' makes the 'enough' unnecessary.

6)
quote:

The alcoholic drink started to pour out from the small opening. The crowd stared at two. The man who first fired a bullet continuously pulled the trigger, but failed to realize that his revolver was empty.

a) I think this would sound better as 'alcohol' since 'drink' points to the direction of a small portion of whiskey, whereas 'alcohol' would be the liquid substance in quantities.
b) The hole was made by a bullet as previously stated, so this is kinda obvious, imo. So I would cut it out, but it's really your call.
c) You could add up to this by telling what the audience thought about this little performance. Eg.
'Thoroughly amused, the crowd stared at the two, smirking at the man who kept on pulling the trigger but failing to realize it was empty.'

7)
quote:

The man took a seat, never letting go off the stare in Ryan’s eyes.

To let go off a stare sounds pretty odd to me. May I suggest a rewording here?
'The man took a seat, keeping his gaze on Ryan's eyes.'

8)
quote:

Clenching his teeth in annoyance, he hid his actions as he stared the opposite direction.

Hmm. Actions are pretty hard to hide because they are for everyone to see, or at least the results of the actions are. Did you mean 'his intentions' or 'his thoughts'?

9)
quote:


He spoke in a hostile voice, not looking into Jhenine’s face, as he stared at the window.

Just my opinion, but 'with a hostile tone' would sound more natural.



Overall, I liked the added scene, although I think you could integrate the two absolutely wasted men just a bit more to the surroundings. Or the other way around, as I suggested, (since the duo is probably too far gone to notice anything around them) by showing the saloon guests' reactions to them.

DF  Post #: 126
12/9/2008 7:20:47   
Crimzon5
Member

Bolded ones are... counters. By the way, it's either post3 of chapter 2 has no errors, or you missed it.

4) Changed to:
quote:

Waiting for a reply, she grinned as she disguised her agenda with an apathetically manner of signing the documents.


7) Changed to:
quote:

The principal made no response even as they left, laughing at the success of their deception. As soon as the door had closed after them, they heard a voice, similar to the principal's, screaming joyful, immature interjections.


11) Changed to:
quote:

Next to it was a black steed with a yellow saddle. Ryan grabbed his helmet, absorbing light with its mask’s crimson tint. After putting his on, Ryan offered Danielle a pink helmet with a mask shaped like a heart. (According to Lanceler, the heart shape is actually two kidneys overlapping at the bottom.)' Its shade shimmered in a dark-green hue that, in certain light, appeared almost black.


quote:

In addition, I thought Lanceler stopped searching for the papers from his pockets and never really showed them to the principal?

Heh, remember, Lanceler said "them". Them = his parents

1) Kept it as is
3) level was supposed to be like layer. Changed it to coating
6) Gesture in the dictionary:
(noun) - a movement or position of the hand, arm, body, head, or face that is expressive of an idea, opinion, emotion, etc
11) You got what I wanted to say
15) Does changing it to 'hole surrounded by his collar' make sense?

6) Seperated the paragraph. ALso, chnaged to:
quote:

Disgusted, yet at the same time amused, the crowd stared at wasted men, smirking at the man continuously pulling the trigger, but failing to realize that his revolver was empty.

8) The actions there are the clenching of his teeth to be particular


Havent done this in a long time:
Spoiler for an added in scene in chapter 3
spoiler:

All of a sudden, a dark shadow engulfed the area. The whirling sound of wind gave the group and idea of a sandstorm, yet… the sound was accompanied by a beastly roar. Turning their heads to where the sound originated, a creature on four legs stood at the summit of the cliff. It raised its head with pride, the long, armored neck extended high. Flapping its feathery wings, rocks, falling from the majestic structure, bombarded the group. Light from the gigantic ball of fire shone the silica fragments on the dragon’s skin, blinding certain angles. Again, the beast roared, pushing the five’s faces away from its splendid, brown scales.


< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 12/9/2008 8:05:52 >
AQ DF  Post #: 127
12/9/2008 15:04:19   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Lol, yes, it seems I went straight on to comment chapter 3... I'll go and type comments for chapter 2 post 3 later this week.

Additional comments (can't I ever stop ? =P) on your edits:

Regarding the principal signing her papers:
In the edit, you are now using apathetic as an adjective, so you need to remove the -ly from the end => 'an apathetic manner'

Regarding the helmets:
11)
quote:

Ryan grabbed his helmet, absorbing light with its mask’s crimson tint. After putting his on, Ryan offered Danielle a pink helmet with a mask shaped like a heart.

Just to avoid repeating the name so soon, I'd suggest editing that 'Ryan' to 'he'. You could also use 'it' instead of the bolded 'his' there, since the helmet was mentioned in the previous sentence. Imo, it would continue more smoothly after the previous sentence with that pronoun.

The first quoted sentence...I'm not sure if they can be bound that way, because it can now be accidentally read as if Ryan absorbed the light because the 'absorbing' don't seem to have other subject than 'Ryan' before it.
A suggestion:
'Ryan grabbed his helmet, equipped with a crimson-tinted mask absorbing light.'
Hmm. Might need more polishing still...

Regarding them = parents:
Ooops, my bad! I misread it... *kicks herself*



Regarding the gesture:
Well, it seems that my conception of gesture is more limited... I guess it's okay then as is.

The hole-thingy, no 15)
OK, now I understand what you ment, but I'm not sure if it's still somewhat quirky way to tell it.
'through his collar-opening'? I'm not so sure if that works either.
Hmm. How about rewording the whole sentence:
'Through the open collar, Lanceler could see Ryan’s chest turn tired red; his struggle was obvious.'
I think a simple 'open collar' would work even better than 'collar-opening' because it would then be more easy to see if Ryan's skin was turning red. Your call, though!


Regarding the wasted men:
Yes, I like that better!
DF  Post #: 128
12/12/2008 8:45:10   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Fabula, you never ever disappoint me. An action-packed installment has arrvied.
AQ DF  Post #: 129
12/13/2008 0:42:27   
demolitiondragon
Constructively Friendly!


 In the process of writing up a critique for ReVisions atm. Just letting you know you've not been abandoned!
Post #: 130
12/13/2008 1:30:15   
Crimzon5
Member

Heh, thanks. The last line sounds very familiar
AQ DF  Post #: 131
12/13/2008 6:00:48   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

OK, I'm typing now my comments on Chapter 2, Post 3, the one I missed earlier....

1)A kitten? purrrrrrrrr... =P

2)
quote:

As a thud sound was produced, Ryan leaped out from it and landed perfectly on the soft, grassy lawn.

The wording of this sentence feels odd to me. It seems to suggest that while Ryan was leaping out, came the thud. Did you mean that or that the thud was heard when he landed? If the latter, then might I suggest rewording:
'Ryan leaped out from it and, with a thud, made a perfect landing on the soft, grassy lawn.'

3)
quote:

As his eyes were covered by his hands as he sighed, Lanceler heard the sound of a vehicle pass by.

I suspect there's something wrong with the wording here, because I'm having hard time to differentiate what happens and when. I bet it's because you're overusing 'as'. Also, I think that 'pass by' should be 'passing by'. Anyways, my suggestion for rephrasing this would be:
'He sighed, covering his eyes with his hands. While he stood there, blinded, Lanceler heard the sound of a vehicle passing by.'

4)
quote:

That reminded him of the cat, but seeing its presence absent, he aborted his curiosity’s question.

Imo, it's very confusing for the reader to first think about him seeing something, then think about 'seeing presence' and then to get contradicted that, actually, 'the presence was absent.' I'm not so sure if such a complicated way of formulating that he lost the sight of the cat serves telling the story just here. Another rewording suggestion:
'That reminded him of the cat, but seeing it gone, he ignored his curiosity.'

5)
quote:

The brunette held the border of the windows and placed her legs outside of the window.

More suggestions! For the first part, 'window frame' would sound better, imho. And for the second part, if you want to avoid repeating the word 'window', you could just cut the bolded words out, since they are kinda obvious, anyways ('outside' says enough).

6)
quote:

Knowing that almost everything that fell had an acceleration of 9.8 meters per second, Lanceler calculated

I think that should be '9.8 meters per second, squared'
You could also get rid of the word 'almost' there by adding the word 'initial' there:
'Knowing that everything that fell had an initial acceleration of 9.8 meters per second, squared,..'

7)
quote:

So… my Vision can also let me see things as if they were twenty times slower. I can change my perspective of time to any degree! This would be perfect for– Lanceler approached the two from behind a nearer tree.

I think you need to but the bolded part in italics, since it's thought.

8)
quote:

Ryan spoke as fast as he explained earlier to Danielle.

Not 100% sure if that's bending the grammar a bit too much for me, lol, but, it would be a bit clearer with:
'Ryan spoke just as fast as he had done earlier when he had explained the situation to Danielle.'

9)
quote:

Ryan ran towards the elevator and was about to press the up button, but was provoked by Lanceler.

Even though Lanceler's decision to take the stairs annoys Ryan, and could be seen as provocation, I still think 'halted' would fit better here, since this part refers directly to the movement being stopped.

10)
quote:

the lifting of one foot to a higher elevated step again and again, after which will require one to U-turn and then endure another series of steps.

I suspect there's either something missing in there or the choice of words might not be optimal.
A suggestion: ',followed by a U-turn which would lead to yet another series of steps.'

11)
quote:

Finally, they had reached the seventh floor.

Any particular reason you chose to use this tense here? It would seem more in line with the other sentences to have this without the 'had' as well.

12)
quote:

Her face was covered by straw-hat which was covered with a purple cloth.

The 'was covered which was covered' structure is a bit cumbersome, imo. Maybe 'Her face was hidden by a straw-hat coated in purple cloth.' would be less cumbersome?
Or if, you meant that the cloth hung over her face like a veil, then I'd suggest rewording:
'Her face was covered by a purple veil attached to her straw-hat.'
If you use that latter option, then the 'attached' will get repeated by the next sentence. Therefore, I'll also suggest that you'd reword the next sentence also:
'Its top was decorated with a white ribbon.'

13)
quote:

The black coated man greeted her

I suspect you need a hyphen between those two words.

14)
quote:

It had seemed as if they had known each other.

A mere matter of preference, but I'd go with a way more direct approach here:
'Obviously, the two knew each other.'

15)
quote:

As she went on to carry her orders, Lanceler turned on his Vision just incase someone were to approach them.

I suspect you need a space there.

16)
quote:

Heh… he shoos us boys and asks a girl if he can do anything for her. Isn’t he a bit too old to be a playboy?

I think this should be in italics since it's thought.

17)
quote:

and as the bodyguard replied with a truth, the brunette had to suffer a weak heat wave which only she felt. If nothing was felt, it was sure to her that the victim of her Vision attack was lying.

Might I suggest a rewording to cut down the 'it was's that gives this sentence a tad too explanative feel, imo:
'If she had felt nothing, she could've been sure that the victim of her Vision attack lied.'
I'd recommend editing this sentence also because the passive voice 'if nothing was felt' sorta implies that if he lied, no one would feel anything, which isn't true.

18)
quote:

As Danielle hid behind the wall, she gave her report.

Hmm, I think 'After' would fit better here, since she probably gave the report after she had turned around the corner and not while she was turning:
'After Danielle had hid behind the wall,...'

19)
quote:

Danielle in the other hand stayed in Ryan’s place.

I'm pretty sure that should be 'on the other hand'

20)
quote:

Lanceler thought for a while. His right pointing finger was in between the tip of his lips. Each time he made that pose meant that he was thinking critically.

The way this sentence is now formulated as a separate info, makes it feel too much of a spoonfeeding, imo. So, I'd suggest melting it together with the previous sentence:
'Instinctively, he raised his right pointing finger in between the tip of his lips, giving away that he was in the process of some critical analyzing.'

21)
quote:

Lanceler thought for a while and moved his right knight to the edge of the board.

You have a lot of 'and's in this paragraph, so I thought this could be as well written with:
'Lanceler thought for a while before moving his right knight to the edge of the board.'
Just a thought.

22)
quote:

Playing with the hair of his mustache, Joseph grabbed the pawn in front of the student’s left knight.

I don't think you need to explicitly tell us his mustache consists of hair...

23)
quote:

Lanceler analyzed the board and rested his forehead on his left palm. His panicking eyes were covered by his bangs.

Hmm, another matter of preference, but I'd rephrase the latter sentence:
'His bangs hid his panicking eyes.'
Just to get rid of the passive voice in there... Your call!

24)
quote:

Tapping the tip of his finger nail on the table, cursed to himself silently.

I think you need to add 'he' after the comma.

25)
quote:

To his rescue, Ryan grabbed his shovel and held it with both of hands and shouted as he attempted to strike him.

Let this moment be recorded in the annals of history! I'm about to suggest you'd add a name for a change =P
This is because the 'he' in the beginning of the sentence refers to Lanceler, so one does easily read that last 'him' as Lanceler. So, just to make things clear, I think you should change that to Joseph.

26)
quote:

Ryan’s shovel was hit at the fulcrum.

Imo, when describing action, one should avoid the passive voice if there isn't a solid reason to use it. So, I'm suggesting you'd reword this to:
'The projectile hit the shovel's fulcrum.'

27)
quote:

The force exerted on the bullet pierced it and left the shovel into two pieces.

Might I suggest changing that to a more stronger word, like 'cleaved' or 'cut' or 'sliced' since the scene you are describing a shovel getting cut in half so the words you use to describe it should be pretty strong and effective, imo.

28)
quote:

Lanceler look at her with a frown.

A typo? 'looked'

29)
quote:

Wiping the saddened looked on his face, he stared at her again.

Another typo? 'look off' or 'look from'?

30)
quote:

Her excitement caused her to stand as she lifted her piece.

A suggestion to make Danielle's actions even more expressive:
'Her excitement sent her jumping as she lifted her piece.'


Oh, good that you have another set of comments coming from DD. Different set of eyes, different mind, different views -> more feedback! And not always from the little old me's opinion =P

I'll be back for 4/4 chapter 3 later.
DF  Post #: 132
12/13/2008 7:08:20   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks Fabula. Tsk, I got no counters except for the sign post #1 (At least the kitten wasn't CONFIRMED to be dead )

As stated, no other counters. Dang... very disappointed with myself. I think I'll "relax" with some poetry-making.

And yes, I REALLY should be studying by now... but heh, grades are just for impressing girls--- wait a minute!
AQ DF  Post #: 133
12/27/2008 8:24:22   
Crimzon5
Member

Okay, updated. Heh... must've been a long break
AQ DF  Post #: 134
12/29/2008 18:38:08   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hi!

After being too busy, too lazy when not too busy, too sick when neither of the above, or just too far abroad, usw, I'm finally here to comment the last post of Chapter 3. I hope I'll make any sense...

General comments first. I think the fight (and the whole scene!) has been definitely improved. I had no trouble reading it, it was way clearer, and the actions and reactions played better. It could do with a little more retouching, though, as there's one info-dumpish moment that drains some of the suspense -- it's the passage where you explain about the Vision's life force draining effects in the middle of the fight, more on that in the details-list. I also liked the way you had fleshed out the transition from eating to the actual fight and how you now introduce Ryan's sister. Well done!

About the new scene. I'm happy that Danielle and Jhenine got an active, crucial role in a fight. However, I'm wondering why did the Nidhogg attack? Also, I peeked at the beginning of chapter 4 and found no clear transition from the fight to that. Adding a new scene must have its transitions correct, imho. You have the intro in its place with the garden and all, but I think you need a longer outro than just carrying Danielle away. This could be done with, for example, the five going into the house, most of them tired but relieved, Lanceler carrying Danielle while Jhenine shoots glances at the somewhat damaged garden.

Anyways, to the suggestions on details, rewordings, typos, etc.

1)
quote:

Lanceler analyzed the situation. Losing would make him lose his ‘right to brag’ but winning would just make things more difficult for his companions.

If you want to get rid of that repetition, this suggestion might work:
'Losing would cost him his 'right to brag,' but winning....'

2)
quote:

After wiping his mouth with a white cloth that was served with the silverware, Lanceler rose as he grabbed a wooden rook from his pocket.

I've got two opinions I have to blurt out about this sentence. Firstly, with so many different timings of events put into the same sentence makes this a bit hard to follow. You have Lanceler getting up /after/ the meal with reference to something that /was served/ earlier and then the getting up happens at the same time he grabs the rook. I'd recommend replacing 'as' with 'and' -> After finishing, he rose and grabbed.
Secondly, I know it's a matter of opinion, but I think that writing directly 'serviette' would do a better job here, as the long way you're saying the same thing now makes it seem like you're explaining what is a serviette instead of just describing Lanceler's actions as he stood up. If you want to keep the silverware in it, you could present the serviette and the silverware as a set. Here's a suggestion:
'After wiping his mouth with a serviette matching the white silverware, Lanceler rose and grabbed a wooden rook from his pocket.'

3)Quoteless note on the same paragraph: you could replace the instances of 'Lanceler' with 'he' in the sentences following the above, as his name gets repeated very often in that paragraph.

4)
quote:

In Ethan’s point of view, Lanceler was taunting him.

Not 100% sure, but I suspect that preposition should be 'From'

5)
quote:

“I remember the time a trio of outlaws who raided the town with a handgun that turned into a field gun.”

An editing mishap? This doesn't make grammatical sense. I think you need to ditch the 'who' or rephrase this even a tiny bit further with adding 'when':
''I remember the time when a trio of outlaws raided the town...'

6)
quote:

The fact that his voice was lifeless and uninterested to continue the conversation shooed the vested man away.

Not sure if this much bending of grammar works as I now read it as if the voice was uninterested.
Maybe you could consider rephrasing? A suggestion for that:
'The fact that his voice was lifeless and showed his reluctance to continue...'

7)
quote:

Opening it, he searched between his numerous 1000-Saphron bills, looking for a small amount to give as a tip.

Another nitpicky opinion, sorry =P. Since the amount has no following noun to clearly state what it refers to, I erraneously connected it with the 1000-Saphron bills... yeah, sometimes my reading doesn't make too much sense...=P Anyway, I'm gonna suggest rewording:
'...looking for some change to give..'
'...looking for some loose money to give...'
'...looking for smaller ones to give...'

8)
quote:

Ryan’s father, a man with a muscular build, held his son Ryan, who was three at that time, on his right shoulder.

I suspect the tense should be 'had been'

9)
quote:

Ryan slammed a 500-Saphron bill on the table, and dragged his legs as he attempted to exit.

He did manage to exit at the end, didn't he? So this wasn't just an attempt. Suggestions for rewording:
'..as he headed for the exit'
'..as he attempted a quick exit'

10)
quote:

Ryan’s father, a man known for having enough to support his campaign, was obviously wealthy.

Is there something missing in there? 'enough money to'?
Also, I suspect the tense should be 'had been'?

11)
quote:

People suspect his ghost to be the reason for this.

A typo? 'suspected'

12)
quote:

However, when Ryan, the prosperous man’s son, was caught excavating there, accompanied by Lanceler, the former mine workers returned, thinking that it was a good sign. But instead of finding gold, they caused a flood of oil.

Suspecting the tenses again... Repeating the 'had' too often might give the reader a headache, as Firefly once warned me, though. I suggest keeping the first bolded part as it is and editing the latter to 'had returned'

13)
quote:

Without waiting for his other companion, Lanceler and Ethan exchanged intimidating stares.

This causes a mixup with the subject as Lanceler and Ethan would require their instead of his, but since 'the other companion' is not Ethan's companion, that would be also faulty. I think this could be edited to:
'Without waiting for the impaired companion, Lanceler and Ethan...'
(a tongue-in-the-cheek-suggestion would be 'without waiting for the lagging Ryan' =P)

14)
quote:

After giving each other a quick but slightly mocking bow, they two faced opposite directions.

Just a typo. 'the'

15)
quote:

“Two,” continued the older blond. Rubbing his boots on the sand, Ethan watched the wind’s direction as its whisper piloted the dusts’ movement.

I believe 'dust' is an uncountable noun, thus, no plural-> dust's

16)
quote:

Hearing the combined sound of the two gunshots, the people from the saloon watched the duel through the windows.

Just a suggestion on adding more movement to this:
'Hearing the combined sound of the two gunshots, the people in the saloon rushed to the windows to catch a glimpse of the duel.'

17)
quote:

Tolerating the flavor, and enjoying the stress-releasing sensation, the man lifted his legs and landed them on the table as he ignored the starting show.

Imho, 'to tolerate' and 'to enjoy' are two almost contradicting emotive verbs, so I would not connect them with 'and'. So might I suggest yet another rewording?
'Barely tolerating the flavor, but enjoying the stress-releasing sensation... '

18)
quote:

Jumping and aiming for Ethan’s head, Lanceler’s attack was [by]blocked a stone wall that emerged from the ground.

I think you're missing 'by' there.

19)
quote:

When a trio of outlaws plagued the town, Ethan stood amongst the crowd.

Since the sheriff already mentioned them, that article should be 'the'. Also, I'm pretty certain that the right tense would be 'had plagued'

20)
quote:

“Guess again,” replied Lanceler. With a snap of his fingers, Lanceler appeared behind Ethan. Attempting to stab him, his attack was again blocked by a stole wall.

I don't think you need to repeat his name so quickly, so how about replacing that with 'he'?
And there's a typo: 'stone'

21)
quote:

“How’d he do that?” Ryan questioned. Taking hold of the golden stone his necklace held, Ryan tightened his grip.

As above, I think this could be replaced.

22)
quote:

Snapping his finger again, his perspective of time completely stopped.

A typo? 'fingers' would sound more natural in plural, imo.
Also, I think the ending of the sentence would flow better with reversing the word order: 'his perspective of time stopped completely'

23)
quote:

Having the element of space in his possession, Lanceler possessed the ability to stop time, pass through objects and people, and swap places with the matter occupying his new position when time resumes. There were a few flaws with his power though. Stopping everything in time, with himself as an exemption, he cannot breathe. He also cannot damage his foe for he would’ve just passed through him. Technically, his power was only to gain a positional advantage. But one weakness that all elements shared was that it drains one’s life force temporarily. The ability to control one of the universe’s cosmetic powers cursed the user to lessen his body’s hold on his essence, or the thing which people called the ‘soul’. Excessive use of an element could kill its user. Life force would usually regenerate in seconds, but harder feats would still drain ones life force significantly.

Typos: 'resumed' and 'exception'
Also, the tenses seem to fluctuate; I think you need to change 'cannot'->'could not'


OK, this is the slightly infodumpish paragraph, imo. Mainly this is because it's in the middle of a fight and it cuts apart the action. How much that is seem as a flaw is, of course, a variable of personal preferences.
I don't know if there's an easy way to disperse and merge this better with the fighting itself. One possible trick to make this sound less explaining might be rewording the sentences to make them present the effects as Lanceler would experience them instead of stating what the effects are. This is just a minor edit, but might be a tad more 'experiencing' than 'explaining':

'Having the element of space in his possession, Lanceler possessed the ability to stop time, pass through objects and people, and swap places with the matter occupying his new position when time resumed. But he had to keep the restrictions of his power in mind. He was not able to damage his foe for he would’ve just passed through him. In addition, as long as he held the time immobile, he couldn't breathe. Subjected to the feeling of suffocation under his slow perception of time, he could only use the power to gain a positional advantage over Ethan.'

If you choose to do an edit similar to this, I also suggest moving the rest to a new paragraph.


24)
quote:

Using that as an opportunity to attack, Lanceler charged towards his opponent, using his blade as a lance.

Just an odd suggestion, to make this sound really fancy, well fancy at least in my flawed opinion, lol:
'wielding his blade like a lance.'

25)
quote:

The momentum left by Lanceler’s movement caused Ethan to continue moving forward as he crashed into his own wall.

Imo, the timeline gets blurry if you use 'as' here, since it makes it sound like he continued to move forward while simultaneously crashing into the wall. A suggestion for rephrasing:
'...caused Ethan to continue moving forward and sent him crashing into his own wall.'

26)
quote:

Thinking that he already won, Lanceler turned his back on his competitor.

Imo, 'he had already won' would sound better or more according to timeline.

27)
quote:

With his slow perception of time and quickened senses, everything he sees, everything he hears, everything he tastes and smells, and everything he feels took a larger amount of time, in Lanceler’s perspective, to be executed.

The beginning of the sentence already tells us whose perspective is applied here, so I believe you can leave that latter part completely out. Also, check the tenses, because 'take' is in the past tense, the other verbs should also be:
'sees'->'saw'
'hears'->'heard'
etc

28)
quote:

Lanceler disappeared with a blink of an eye and appeared three feet above Ethan’s head.

After the little dialogue between Ethan and Lanceler, a little transition wouldn't hurt here, imo. For example, it could be as simple as:
'Snorting at Ethan's little lecture, Lanceler disappeared with a blink of an eye and appeared three feet above his opponent's head.'
Just a suggestion, though!

29)
quote:

Realizing that this draw had turned into a freestyle type of battle, Lanceler returned his weapon back to his pocket, and recovered his shotgun.

Just my opinion, but I don't think you need that of-structure there: 'a freestyle battle' is definitive enough without it.

30)
quote:

He pointed his gun at him, thinking that he already won.

You used this a few paragraphs earlier, so if you want to try a different wording, here's a suggestion:
'He pointed his gun at him, counting on instant victory.'
or you could enhance the fact that he's repeating the mistake by:
'thinking yet again that he had already won'

31)
quote:

“It’s just a twenty minute’s walk away, but feel like you’re at home when you’re there.”

Just speech or is there something missing?
'but it'll feel like'?
'but you'll feel like'?
'but it feels like'?

****
Scene 2
32)
quote:

The rock face’s structure was like an ocean’s wave; allowing one to climb the surface, and stand on the summit as the view of a hundred miles becomes present in his eyes.

It starts with the past tense ('was') as the rest of the story, so I believe 'becomes' should be 'became'

33)
quote:

Staring at grass that grew from the sand, lively, blooming flowers, extravagant scarlet roses, and a small pond by the shade of the enormous tree, Lanceler widened his eyes in surprise.

Imo, this needs a bit rephrasing as the verb 'grew' is now shared with the 'grass' and also with the 'pond', which is a tad confusing...
'Staring at grass that grew from the sand together with lively, blooming flowers and extravagant scarlet roses, and further surprised by a small pond situated under the shade of the enormous tree, Lanceler's eyes widened in bewilderment.'

34)
quote:

The whirling sound of wind gave the group and idea of a sandstorm, yet… the sound was accompanied by a beastly roar.

Imo, you don't need the 'sound' in the beginning: I believe that 'The whirling wind' is equally informative. Leaving it out would also cut the repetition as the word is used also in the next sentence.

35)
quote:

Light from the gigantic ball of fire shone the silica fragments on the dragon’s skin, blinding certain angles.

You lost me me here, I'm afraid... Which ball of fire? This is the first mention of it in the scene. Where did it come from?

36)
quote:

Wiping the light off his face, Lanceler became a standing target for the creature.

A suggestion: 'Trying to wipe'
Because one cannot really wipe light away, at least not without any hightech-equipment

37)
quote:

When the end was about to approach Lanceler, Death changed its course as Ethan came to the rescue.

This sentence feels very odd to me in its current formulation. This is probably because, for me, 'the end' is something too abstract to be portrayed so active, as a subject. (Too active for prose at least...) A suggestion for rewording, although, you'll probably think of a better one if you choose to edit it.
'Just as Death was about to claim Lanceler, Ethan came to the rescue.'

38)
quote:

More roots and thorny stems eventually arose from the sand, holding the fabled beast in place.

In midst of all the action, this little detail sounds makes too slow an impression, imo. How about:
'In quick succession, even more roots and thorny stems arose from the sand....'

39)
quote:

The conflagration swept across the air, inevitable as the swarm of locusts, burning the oxygen in the air as its medium.

A nitpicky comment: 'exhausting the oxygen from the air' might be more exact, because the roots are burning with the aid of the oxygen.
(sorry, couldn't restrain myself...=P)

40)
quote:

The impact of the flames sounded similar to the Nidhogg’s glorious roar, devouring its enemy in the vivid flames.

Nidhogg? As Nidhogg of Nifelheim? The serpent of Scandinavian mythology? The serpent of underworld that gnaws the tree of life, Yggdrasil?
Are you comparing the sound of the flames to the original Nidhogg's voice (does it have one?) or the dragon to Nidhogg?
Just asking because I doubt the serpent Nidhogg of Yggdrasil had wings...


Uhm. Sorry if that list was once again a bit overwhelming. I might have gotten a bit carried away. Anyways, a lot of them were suggestions for you to consider, and you are, of course, free to discard all those that are not helpful to you.

See you later!
DF  Post #: 135
12/29/2008 22:29:05   
Crimzon5
Member

... I just owned in making excuses for being absent (kudos Fabula). *WIll do corrections later*

quote:

Wikipedia: Níðhöggr is also mentioned at the end of Völuspá, where he is identified as a dragon and a serpent.


quote:

From below the dragon
dark comes forth,
Nithhogg flying
from Nithafjoll;
The bodies of men
on his wings he bears,
The serpent bright:
but now must I sink.

Heh, according to that (and Age of mythology, a real time strategy game that reinforces players with mythical stuff, the NIdhogg had wings. But heh, why argue? There's no such this as a Nidhogg... ah well)

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 12/29/2008 22:47:29 >
AQ DF  Post #: 136
12/30/2008 7:30:10   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

o_O

Hmm. My impression was based on a humble book on my shelf that holds a collection of abbreviated myths, and that only knows about Nidhogg gnawing on the Yggdrasil's roots in the netherworld. It even has some sort of squirrel messenger that runs between the roots and the branches, delivering messages between the serpent and an eagle. The illustration has left it without wings...

Anyways. Maybe the Vikings should've defined the creature better =P

I'm not arguing, btw. Just explaining where my faulty question originated from. =P

Aren't I full of excuses.....
DF  Post #: 137
12/30/2008 7:37:06   
Crimzon5
Member

Anyways, just back from another party... sigh.. anyway... working on corrections and praying that there are some that I can counter

@9: Well, I used 'attempted' because of his sore condition that there was a chance that he couldn't walk out. I'll change it though

@10: no need more that word. "having enough" already implies that the person possess the needs (sorry, in a hurry and no sure of necessity's spelling)

@13: tongue-in-cheek it is (after all, Lanceler's thoughts/vocabulary lessons/corrections make it blend

Oh yeah... I already told dd this but Visions will take a few mythological basis... but it wont affect the story-line

@15: *tries one of the oldest tricks in the book* Of course dust in uncountable -- I knew that *sweats heavily* It was just a misplace of the apostrophe *sweats even more*

@18: Yeah, but where you placed it was wrong

@ 23: Yeah, I know what you mean there. But thanks for the idea for how I can fix that problem.

@29: Kept it as is... draws are "formal" duels wherein one would just take a few steps then shoot. The "type of" phrase emphasizes (or 'emphasises' as I read in your works) how battles differ.

@30: Changed to:
quote:

He pointed his gun at him, creating another early conclusion that he already won.


@31: I'll keep it as is. Being a dialogue... it's okay (just tell me when I made Ryan speak formally, okay?)

@32: 'would become' sounds better than 'became' in that situation

@35: Tsk... lol. Ever heard of the sun? Ah well... better do something about that *pats Fabula on the head*

@37: Changed to:
quote:

Death reached out for Lanceler, but changed its course as Ethan came to the rescue.


@40: If you can, go camping with some of you friends. Then, get A LOT of of wood and draw lots to see who gets to risk his or her life setting the bonfire. If it's you -- sorry, I got carried away. Anyways, a large, burning, erupting fire makes a sound. It's like a deep growling pitch if you ask me.

quote:

However, I'm wondering why did the Nidhogg attack?

There was no Nidhogg, it was just used as a comparison to the flames that seemed alive

quote:

Also, I peeked at the beginning of chapter 4 and found no clear transition from the fight to that. Adding a new scene must have its transitions correct, imho. You have the intro in its place with the garden and all, but I think you need a longer outro than just carrying Danielle away. This could be done with, for example, the five going into the house, most of them tired but relieved, Lanceler carrying Danielle while Jhenine shoots glances at the somewhat damaged garden.


Heh, chapters can have long transitions in between, right?

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 12/30/2008 8:37:55 >
AQ DF  Post #: 138
12/31/2008 6:42:37   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

@18: Lol, yeah. Wanna hear another excuse? It was all due to me messing up the bold-tags...

@29: Makes sense, thanks for clarifying!

@35: Lol, yeah, I've /heard/ of it, but at the time of typing those comments I hadn't seen it for five days =P

@40: I should attend one of the Mid-Summer celebrations next year. They have huge bonfires...
*shuts up about the Nidhogg* =P



About the transitions. Well, yes, but what I meant that the ending of the chapter seemed a little cut short and therefore, I checked the beginning of the next chapter to see if it would continue straight on. I don't mean you should add anything to the beginning of chapter 4, but maybe some tying together of the results of the fight? Like in what condition was the garden left, etc. That's what I was expecting, but I do understand if you want to end it differently and leave it there. The outcome is clear, after all.


< Message edited by fabula -- 12/31/2008 6:43:38 >
DF  Post #: 139
1/1/2009 8:32:04   
Crimzon5
Member

@18: Meh... not buying it =p

@35: Oh really? I'll accept that excuse

FIne... I'll do something after the transition
AQ DF  Post #: 140
1/2/2009 22:11:11   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Insomnia again. Awake at peculiar hours to comment on Chapter 4, Post 1.

spoiler:

So, Danielle is going to end with the short straw regarding Ryan? =P


I have to warn you that after I slaughtered a lot of wordiness from my story just a few hours earlier, I might still be overtly biased against all longer-than-norm-sentences. My apologies for that in advance.

1)
quote:

Waiting for his friend to finish her preparations, which he concluded to be preparations regarding her appearance, Ryan sat on the outdoor railings.

Mewonders why do you repeat the word 'preparations' here, within the very same sentence? Not sure if it is the optimal solution here. A matter of opinion again, but I'd suggest a little edit:
'Waiting for his friend to finish the preparations he correctly deducted to regard her appearance, Ryan sat on the outdoor railings.'

2)
quote:


“Sunset? Dusk started three hours ago.”

Ryan activated his Vision.

Lolz! That's a good one.

3)
quote:

Changing the stillness, Jhenine crawled her hand towards Ryan’s.

Imo, if you use the verb 'changing', you'd need to tell what she changed the stillness to. How about using the verb 'Disturbed' instead?

4)
quote:

Lanceler sat at the opposite end, turning the pages every second.

Since the books have not been mentioned in this chapter nor them being in Lanceler's possession, I suspect that 'the' should not be there. Two possibilities to edit this would be to just leave the article out or to elaborate: 'At the opposite end, Lanceler sat with books laid on the table, turning the pages every second.'
However, the latter option would insert another instance of the word books in there, which would lead to the need to edit the words out from the next sentence: -> 'The covers had no titles...'

5)
quote:

The books’ covers had no titles, and the crumpled pages stained with marks, probably accumulated from liquid spills and dirt.

Something missing? I'm not 100% sure if the grammar would bend so far as to leave the verb 'were' out altogether.

6)
quote:

Not only was his power limited to rising boulders from the ground, but he also had the power to shape them in anyway.

Given that beginning, the stuff after the comma should give another /restriction/, not ability. I'd suggest rewording the beginning, eg:
'His power was not limited to mere boulder-raising, but...'

7)
quote:

Letting out a small exhale, he tapped his bayonet’s butt on the ground,

This is just me splitting hairs =P, but the verb 'exhale' already tells the direction of breath, so adding that 'letting out' there makes it a tad redundant.
A suggestion:
'With a shallow exhale, he tapped his...'

8)
quote:

As he entered the large mansion, Lanceler stood from his seat and returned the books to him. “Done already?”

As the speech tags follow directly after a sentence that ended with Lanceler as the subject, and without further clarification on who speaks, it now seems like Lanceler's asking Ethan if he's done already watching the surroundings. Which isn't the case as we learn from the next line.
So, imo, you'd need to add the regular 'Ethan asked' (or something more creative) there.

9)
quote:

Ryan turned his head, facing Lanceler. He used Lanceler as excuse to turn away, allowing him to hide his blush.

Another matter of preference, but I'd avoid repeating his name of quickly by changing the latter one to 'his friend'.

10)
quote:

The Vision of Genesis allows the user to relive the past

The paragraph starting with this should have the same formatting tags as the other passages from the book.

11)
quote:

‘Obsequy’

Uhm. My dictionary does not recognise that word. Well, always nice to learn new ones. Enlighten me, please?

12)
quote:

Using Lore lessens ones bond with his body and essence.

Just a typo: 'one's'

13)
quote:

Knowing that he could trust him, Ryan without a word closed the book he was reading and followed Ethan outside. It was a cold night but unlike the night he discovered his Vision, he wasn’t wearing his fiber-made uniform which wasn’t suitable for very low temperatures.

Suggestion about splitting the paragraph at that period, since the location changes.
In addition, I suspect that you'd need the preposition 'on' after 'unlike' -> 'unlike on the night' because he was wearing the uniform /on/ that night.

14)
quote:

“Hey look,” Ethan used the sharp tip of his bayonet’s wedge to point a constellation, “that’s Cepheus.”

'to point out a constellation'?

15)
quote:

And since she was older, she made me believe that she was always right. Man, she was heavy!

*is lucky that she didn't play that game as a child, thinking about her lot heavier big brother =P*

16)
quote:

Instead of laughing, Ethan exhaled through his nostril,

It would sound better in plural, imo, unless he's got the flu. In which case it should be 'his open nostril' =P

17)
quote:

Rising a boulder from the ground, Ethan handed the brunet his weapon.

I suspect that this should be 'raising', because 'rising' would be used if the boulder rose by itself, whereas 'raising' would be Ethan heaving the stone up, as is the case here. Both my UK and my US dictionaries seem to agree, at least.
'The rising sun'
'The raising effort'

18)
quote:

He held the handle with his right hand and supported the body with his left hand.

A matter of preference, but that sentence could manage its existence (OK, now I'm /really/ starting to need that sleep =P) also without repeating the hand in the end.

19)
quote:

“I’ll be going back now…” As he returned, he saw the two girls occupying the seats next to where Lanceler sat.

I'm suggesting another paragraph split for the same reason as at point 13); moving the other direction: outside ->inside

*starts to wait for your counters* =P
DF  Post #: 141
1/3/2009 14:41:47   
15cman
Member

Well I decided to review your poems Crimz, since you are so nice to me and commented on mine :D.

The poem,War Game, is one I really like.Chess always reminds me of some sort of crazy war that doesn't involve killing.I just suggest adding some punctuation, like some commas and periods here and there.I'm not saying without punctuation it's wrong, I'm just saying that it seems to look a little better, and it also tells the reader that they can take a breath while they are reading.

Basically, a little punctuation IMO should be used for your poems, but that's only in my opinion.Your other poems are really great.

I especially like your shape poems.They bring a nice feel to them, along with emotion.Not just plain love or hate, they take it to the next level so in the first shape poem love would equal passion.And in Relative Justice the person's revenge would equ--.Um, actually I think it's more of a hate that kind of bubbles up till it is a seething fury.


Keep up the good work is all I can really say.I hope to see some more poems from you in the future :D
DF MQ  Post #: 142
1/4/2009 0:31:17   
Crimzon5
Member

Thanks, War game when combined with Stalemate got me recognition during my poetry club.

@ Fabula: I had insonomia too! But let the counters as I do some stuff to chapter 4 *I know, I'm stalling*
AQ DF  Post #: 143
1/5/2009 17:43:39   
Xirminator
Member

Firstly, this is the promised review from the Workshop. Just so you know :P

The overall comments: It's an interesting, moving story. It's pretty good. You just need a bit more description here and there and watch your wording in some instances.

So, here it is:

Right in the beginning, I might describe Brian a bit more. You jump to his abilities without saying anything about his physical appearance. Although not quite necessary, some readers might want an appearance to go by, even one little detail.

quote:

Ever since his father left them, a seed of hatred sprouted in his heart.


I'd change the bit in the beginning to:

When his father left them...

Ever since indicates something he's been doing since his father left them. If you want to keep "Ever since" there, it's a simple matter:

Ever since his father left them, Brian had carried a seed of hatred in his heart.

quote:

The more he saw others having fun with their fathers, the more the hatred for his parent grew


I would specify which "parent" it was, as in my opinion, some might mistake it for "parents".

quote:

Aside from doing chores, he would run errands for their neighbors to help his mom.


In this sentence, you jumped to another thing. Just before, you were talking about his hatred for his father. Then you jumped in the middle of "how" he helped his mom. I think you might want to add something as a transition there. For example:

While Brian had hostile feelings for his father, he loved his mother with all his heart.

Or something like that.

quote:

Similar to Brian was a girl named Stephanie. But instead of having no father, her mother died in a car accident when she was only 2. Because of this, she would often dream about having a mother, unlike Brian who would never trust anyone as a father.


The first sentence could be more gradual, in my opinion. Perhaps you could say that "Brian knew a girl with a similar family problem" or something.

quote:

“No, it’s my fault. I wasn’t looking where I was going. That usually happens in the chorus of this song.” Getting up, the girl removed her earphones and placed them in her pocket. Accepting his hand in order to get up, Stephanie recognized the boy’s face. “Oh, it’s you, Brian. Can I have my apology back?” Brian smiled, giving off a short and almost unnoticeable laugh.


A bit of a comment about this paragraph. The way you wrote it, it seemed as if you switched from Brian's point of view to Stephanie. By saying "the boy's face", you distanced yourself from Brian. "Him" would have sufficed.

Also, regarding "giving off a short and almost unnoticeable laugh." Personally I don't think it fits with smiled, since you either laugh or smile. Get what I mean? There are also a couple of words you could use instead of that to spice up the sentence. Like "chuckle" for example. It's a warm kind of laugh and can be short. There are plenty of words you can use!

quote:

As soon as Stephanie stood on her two legs straight,


"Straight" is unnecessary. You can drop it if you want to.

quote:

sustain the family’s needs but when they save enough


Since the rest of the story is in the past tense, "save" should be "saved."

quote:

“Hey, aren’t you going to go outside?” Stephanie asked as she took a bite off her sandwich.


I wouldn't actually use "off" there. In my opinion, "bite off" is rather savage. Like a monster biting off somebody's leg or something. I understand if it is actually a typo. :P

Also, you might consider quoting the song lyrics that follow soon after. Adding " before and after, since they're actually singing it.

quote:

As classes were concluded with a prayer, Brian visited his locker. The combination of his lock was 7-3-1. After taking the necessary materials, and depositing the unneeded books, he met up with his classmate by the drinking fountain. “Ready to go?” Stephanie nodded after wiping her lips as Brian led the way. “It’s a sure thing I live near school; the price of gas nowadays is going up. Well actually, it just went down from forty Pesos to thirty-nine Pesos per liter.”


You might consider adding a little detail here and there. It's not really necessary, since I could still visualize what was going on, but a bit more would be nice. Also, I would mention she was drinking. When she wipes her lips, it seems to be an awkward thing to do if she hadn't been drinking before. I know she is, but I had to read back to realize it.

quote:

same of height with the rest of the access way


Although "same of height" is passable, you might want to consider changing it. "Of the same height" is okay, although you'd have to rephrase the sentence a bit. But I'm sure you can do it :P

quote:

As Ryan entered his mother’ room to get some paper, he was surprised by the person whom he saw


The sentence could do with a rephrase. Think of something like this:
Ryan entered his mother's room to get some paper, and was surprised to see her there.
Less of a mouthful in my opinion, and there's not much risk it would be confused.

quote:

just arrived home. Lowering the phone and covering the speaker with her left hand, she greeted her son.


You need a " right after home, since that's when his mother stopped speaking.

quote:

“It’ all right with me. Just don’t forget to offer him something.”


You missed an "s" there, or "is", depending on how you want to put it.

quote:

Brian got up right away and ran back to Stephanie.


There's nothing grammatically wrong. I just want to make a comment regarding the ramifications of this statement. If that's what he did right after he heard his mother say "I love you" that would imply that Stephanie is a very close friend of his, and one that he trusts. If so, I recommend showing their friendship more throughout the story, as I got the impression that they were friends, but not close friends.

quote:

“Hey, our teacher just has an eye problem, that’s all. The S just looked like a J to him,” Brian reasoned out


The "out" at the end can be dropped. It doesn't need to be there.

quote:

"Umm, excuse me; did you say your last name was Santos?” Brian’s mom asked surprisingly


If it was Brian's mom that was surprised, then the correct adjective would be "surprised". If what she asked was surprising to them, the the adverb is correctly placed.

quote:

Don’t take this seriously Stephanie


I would use "seriously" if you were talking about a joke or something like that. "Personally" is be a better suited word, I think.

quote:

and I won’t let anyone hurt again.


I think you missed a "her" right there.

quote:

Pissed off with what happened the recent day


I got the impression that what had happened was yesterday, so "yesterday" would be fine. Also, instead of just saying it was Friday I suggest adding tomorrow somewhere.

The rest is fine, although I suggest adding more description. Perhaps what Ramon looks like and stuff.

It was pretty good worked, I liked the story. This Brian is an interesting guy. I liked the ending as well. It was moving how he accepted a new father.

< Message edited by Xirminator -- 1/5/2009 17:44:54 >
AQ DF  Post #: 144
3/16/2009 8:01:57   
Crimzon5
Member

*yawns*

Okay, long time, no Visions. Author's block is gone, so I guess I can resume work

Thanks Xirmy. And thanks Fabula for your criticism and comments (you have a brother?)

Also http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/obsequy

ob-se-quy 
–noun, plural -quies. Usually, obsequies. a funeral rite or ceremony.
AQ DF  Post #: 145
4/4/2009 16:23:27   
Fleur Du Mal
Member

Hello! Good to see the Author's block is gone and there are some updates!

I'll just continue where I left off last time... which would be Chapter 4, post II. My suggestion list may be somewhat long again, lol, but that's all I'm doing, drawing a lot of suggestions out of my hat, so treat my comments as such.

1)
quote:

The blanket of darkness swept across the infinite sky, carrying millions of stars.

Hmm. I'd use 'A' here. I'm not sure on the grammatical basis of my suggestion, other than this is the first time you mention 'blanket of darkness.' I don't know if you can treat that expression as equal with 'night' which would get the article 'the' here. Anyways, do recheck this.

2)
quote:

The four were sound asleep. Such stillness conveyed the area. Quiet, quiet it was. Peaceful harmony.

Just my opinion, but you might be overdoing the stillness-description here. I think the repetition works at start ('asleep', 'stillness', 'quiet'), but the last sentence goes a bit over the top, especially since it's not a full sentence anymore. My suggestion would be to remove that bolded part.

3)
quote:

It was already four in morning according to the pendulum clock located in the living room.

This is a sentence where the essentials take a very little space ("It was four in the morning"), and the additional info (there location of the clock) steals more space than the fact itself. Which, in my limited opinion, brings about a feel of wordiness. You could cut that down a bit by removing the bolded word, since you don't really need that in there. Or you could do a heavier reorganization:
'In the living room, the pendulum clock stroke four.'
I'd suggest the latter option, as it would also rid the story of one 'was'-sentence. =P

4)
quote:

The stillness was broken into a thousand pieces.

A mere matter of taste, but imo this would work better in active form: 'broke'. Your call!

5)
quote:

Without evaluating the situation, he equipped himself with a pistol and inspected the outside area.

So, I started to wonder why he didn't evaluate the situation... The obvious answer would be 'to not waste time'. You could lure in that explanation in this sentence with, eg, editing the last part a bit:
'..., he equipped himself with a pistol and rushed to inspect the outside area.'

6)
quote:

Ryan and the other two got up and entered the scene as well. Jhenine exited first and saw Lanceler examining the blood.

Imo, it's a tad confusing for the reader that you have 'entered the scene' in the first sentence and 'exited' in the following without defining from where they exited. That's easily read as if they 'entered /and/ exited the scene'. Therefore, I'd suggest that you'd edit: 'Jhenine exited the house first'

7)
quote:

Startled by the door’s creak, the blond gazed upon her traumatized face, mouth opened in horror, eyes failing to control their tears.

Imo, you describe the expression of her face so hauntingly accurately and well in the end of the sentence, that you really don't need to state the word 'traumatized'. Furthermore, I think that even if you did state that, it'd need to be 'traumatized-looking face' as it's Jhenine who's traumatized, not her face. But my suggestion would be to just cut out that word.

8)
quote:

“What happened here?!” she asked in a slightly angry but evidently sorrowful tone.

This is just a suggestion. Rather than using so many adjectives and adverbs in a row to describe just the tone of her voice, you could turn the feelings more active. For example:
'“What happened here?!” she asked, hints of anger seeping into her sorrowful tone.'
Or you could blend the emotions into your characters' reactions. Eg, carrying this to the next paragraph:
'“What happened here?!” she asked, waves of hate starting to shield her from her own sorrow.

The underlying anger in Jhenine's voice aroused Lanceler's defensive instincts.'
Your call again!

9)
quote:

“It wasn’t me!” replied Lanceler, shaking his hands in front of his chest.

Since you just used his name in the previous sentence, you could use 'he' here. But you know already how biased I'm against repeating names. =P

10)
quote:

He saw her eyes glow red and directly facing him, but there was no cold sensation.

Not sure if that's the right form to be used here. 'He saw her eyes glow red as she stared straight at him,' perhaps?

11)
quote:

The line between life is and death is thin, indeed.

Just one misplaced 'is' that needs to be removed.

12)
quote:

However, the trees in the area prevented the light from shining upon and revealing his face.

Imho, having both of those verbs there is a bit redundant as light shining upon his face would instinctively mean his face being revealed. So, no point in using them both, I guess.
What do you think? Wouldn't: '...prevented the light from revealing his face' be just as effective?

13)
quote:

Hearing no thud sound, he turned his head and saw the moonlight shining on the stranger’s weapon.

Imo, 'sound' is included in 'thud', so you could remove that bolded word.

14)
quote:

However, he was surprised that he was two feet above the wall, levitating in midair.

This is one of those occasions when using just the word 'he' doesn't make enough of a distinction and the characters are easily mixed up. So, I'm suggesting that you'd replace this 'he' with 'the man' to make it clear who's levitating.

15)
quote:

A small white essence surrounded his legs.

Might be just me, but I think: 'A whiff of white essence' would work better here as 'A small white essence' sounds like the substance would be something solid. The element of wind doesn't strike me as solid.

16)
quote:

Knowing what danger the man had possessed,

Can one possess danger? 'Knowing what danger the man presented'?

17)
quote:

In order to prevent himself from falling down to the ground, which was about fourteen feet below him, he created another stone wall, about six feet in height, and landed on it so that he could descend back to the ground safely.

This is quite a long sentence, imho. You could streamline it a tad by editing the bolded part. For example:
'In order to prevent himself from falling to the ground fourteen feet below him,...'

18)
quote:

Looking at it, he saw a rusted dagger. Its steel was buried two inches within his skin.

Imho, and only imho, these two sentences might flow better if melted together. Suggestion:
'Looking at it, he saw a rusted dagger, buried two inches deep into him.' Or something along those lines...
Again, your call!

19)
quote:

Pulling it off, another dagger pierced his left shin.

You could make the time-frame clearer here by editing this to:
'Just as he managed to pull the dagger off, another one pierced his left shin.'
or
'While he tried to pull it off, another dagger pierced his left shin.'
or
'Before he had time to pull it off, another dagger pierced his left shin.'

20)Quoteless note; I suspect you need a line space between Ryan's vision account and the next paragraph.

21)
quote:

Not wanting to see anymore of this, Ryan finally felt pain in watching death for the second time, the first being the death of his parents. But ever since then, his anger-driven attitude shielded him from the pain brought by death of another person.

Not sure if that word fits in there, it's kind of blurring the thought of the sentence as Ryan has already felt pain before. So why the 'finally'? You could just leave it out, imo.
Or you need to rephrase the sentence so that it would point out more clearly that since watching his parents die he hadn't felt pain until now. I know you explain it in the next sentence, but it's still kinda confusing.
Hmm. How about this:

'Not wanting to see anymore of this, Ryan shut off his vision. He felt pain in witnessing death. It was the first time after watching his parents die. Up until now, his anger-driven attitude had shielded him from the pain brought by death of another person.'

22)
quote:

Even though he heard the assassin’s voice, which was different from Joseph’s, his anger caused him to suspect Joseph right away.

I assume the correct tense would be 'he had heard' if he already shut off his vision.

23)
quote:

The hole they dug was eight feet deep, and four by eight feet in surface area.

This is just a suggestion for you to use if you want a graver mood here, as the verb 'was' isn't that descriptive:
'Silently, they dug a grave: eight feet deep, four by eight feet wide.'

24)
quote:

She welcomingly opened the gates of her house, fed us good food, and… and… well, we just can’t leave her!

Imo, 'fed' includes 'food' as a default. So, what was fed isn't necessary to mention -- especially when it's speech -- unless it was something else than food, like 'fed us lies.' If you want to stress the fact it was /good/ or even /delicious/ food, then you could use another word, like 'served us good food'. But otherwise, I'm suggesting to go with a simple 'opened the gates of her house, fed us, and...'
Just a suggestion, though. Again. =P

25)
quote:

Ryan shouted back, starting to believe that he was really a cold-hearted person.

I can't say why, but somehow reversing the word order would seem to me make a stronger impact.
'...starting to believe that he really was a cold-hearted...'

26)
quote:

Lanceler's eyes opened widely.

I suspect the correct word to use here would be 'wide', not the adverb 'widely'.

27)
quote:

Seeing Danielle still sleeping on her cozy bed,

Hmm. I think that should be 'in' unless the bed's still made and she's sleeping on the covers.

28)
quote:

Thinking that he still has a chance of catching up with her, he exited through the kitchen’s backdoor.

I think that should be in past tense: 'had'

29)
quote:

...,remained on her spot, not knowing if could really trust the three of them.

I suspect you are missing hte pronoun 'she' in between those two words.

30)
quote:

Ryan may have seen the past… but, can she really believe that he was telling the truth?

Shouldn't that be in the past tense as well? 'could'

31)
quote:

Looking back at Ethan’s grave one more time, she forced herself to trust Ryan, feeling mixed emotions.

A mere matter of taste, but I think this sentence could gain some more fluidity and impact from rephrasing. My suggestion would be this:
'With mixed feelings, she looked back at Ethan's grave on more time and forced herself to trust Ryan.'
Imo, the sentence seems somewhat clearer and stronger as a scene-ending-sentence with one less comma.
Your call again!


I'll be back for post III and the train-action later. Sorry if I overdid it with my commenting. Again. I might have gotten carried away. See you around!
DF  Post #: 146
4/5/2009 1:01:07   
Nex del Vida
Member

Hey there. Here are some edits for Aegis.

quote:

The voices blended with one another, sounding like choir of deep voices.

Using "voices" twice leads to some strange repetition. Perhaps "The voices blended with one another, sounding like a deep choir."

quote:

From what seemingly appeared to be a metallic headband, a green, tinted visor descended from it down to his face.

You use "from" twice. Try "...tinted visor descended town to his face."

quote:

...an ironic rain of arrows and bullets...

How are arrows and bullets ironic? I can see the glimmers of irony in the situation, but perhaps "ironic" is not the best descriptor.

quote:

Catch’ya later!

Why the apostrophe? Apostrophes are only used when letters are taken out of words. Since "ya" is slang, not a contraction, there shouldn't be one.

quote:

His lowly cerulean eyes...

You seem to choose strange adjectives. "Lowly" refers to someone in an inferior position, as in a slave. Do you mean "lowered"?

quote:

...ten fold the last bounty.

"Tenfold" (no space, usually) isn't used like this. It is used, for example, like this: "The meal was tenfold better than his last one had been." You could say "...ten times the last bounty."

quote:

The crowning will take place tomorrow, at the same spot of his father’s death.

Eh... not so much. If a President was shot, the VP wouldn't be promoted the next day, in the exact same location. It would probably be within a few minutes and in a very secret, well-protected place. I realize this may be near-medieval, but they wouldn't be that stupid.

Is Argetlahm related in any way to, say, "Argetlam" from Eragon? :P References for the win.

quote:

Mission taken.

Awkward. Maybe just have him say "Fine." or "Fine. I'll do it." It's less machine-like.

quote:

He chose not to wear his mask incase anyone were to see him.

First of all, it's "in case." Second of all, if you see a sniper kneeling on a rooftop the day after the king's assassination, it doesn't matter whether or not he's the same assassin as the one who killed the king. You're going to get him the *expletive* down as soon as you *expletive*ing can.

So you say this monarchy has stuck to medieval practices, even though the world is modern...? Um... cool concept, but totally unrealistic. As soon as a war struck, the entire country would be taken over instantly. Unless it's just the kings' servants who are medieval? Still, not protecting your king is pretty silly. 'Specially after what happened yesterday.

quote:

I’ll rid you off this world.

I think you mean "I'll rid this world of you."

quote:

Interrupting his words was the groused comments...

It should be "were," and why "groused"? Do you mean annoyed?

Ah, okay, so they're not total idiots. That's good.

quote:

From where he stood, he could hear the townsfolk murmuring about Blake’s accusation.

You seem to switch main characters here. Perhaps instead say "From where Gio stood, he could hear..." and then replace some other "he"s in the area with things like "Gio" or "the almost-king" or something.

quote:

Enraged, the two stuck each other’s sword.

This is weird. Also, you misspelled "struck." Try "Enraged, the two struck at each other."

quote:

The blond screamed in pain!

Ex-dialog exclamation points should be used very rarely, if ever. This one makes the sentence seem juvenile and clunky. I'd get rid of it.

quote:

...something that I’m about to envy…?

Change "about to" to "can." "About to" implies it is certainly going to happen soon.

Interesting ending. The teensiest bit cheesy, but I guess that's okay.
AQ  Post #: 147
4/5/2009 1:18:02   
Crimzon5
Member

Thank guys. It's gives a strange nut oaky feeling when my oldies are being fixed.

quote:

Eh... not so much. If a President was shot, the VP wouldn't be promoted the next day, in the exact same location. It would probably be within a few minutes and in a very secret, well-protected place. I realize this may be near-medieval, but they wouldn't be that stupid.

Is Argetlahm related in any way to, say, "Argetlam" from Eragon? :P References for the win.

1) no reference
2) they may look stupid... but it was a trap
3) there's no VP

quote:

First of all, it's "in case." Second of all, if you see a sniper kneeling on a rooftop the day after the king's assassination, it doesn't matter whether or not he's the same assassin as the one who killed the king. You're going to get him the *expletive* down as soon as you *expletive*ing can.

Even though someone would see him, his identity would remain safe

quote:

So you say this monarchy has stuck to medieval practices, even though the world is modern...? Um... cool concept, but totally unrealistic. As soon as a war struck, the entire country would be taken over instantly. Unless it's just the kings' servants who are medieval? Still, not protecting your king is pretty silly. 'Specially after what happened yesterday.

Now I know I explained that to someone before... now what did I say again? Oh yeah... Blake was referring to his personal guards. Surely they'll muskets and other stuff when needed. Blake is just hightech due to his renegade equipment. If only the army had his technology.


I'll do the edits when I have time. I really never had plans on going back to it, really. As for Fabula... I'll for your edits right about now.
AQ DF  Post #: 148
4/5/2009 1:52:51   
Nex del Vida
Member

President = Alteon, VP = Gio. 'Twas an analogy of sorts... perhaps a poorly executed one.

_____________________________

42 72 69 6e 67 20 69 74 20 6f
6e 2c 20 46 61 6c 65 72 69 6e 2e
20 57 65 27 72 65 20 72 65 61 64
79 2e 20
AQ  Post #: 149
4/5/2009 1:54:16   
Crimzon5
Member

^Hehe, yeah. I'm disappoint with my oldies... and heh... lost the intention in "reparing them"

< Message edited by Crimzon5 -- 4/5/2009 1:55:18 >
AQ DF  Post #: 150
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