Argeus the Paladin
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Roger that, UPP. Let's just see what I can do.
BTW, you are the first person to whom I announce that I have decided to trsh my usual nitpicky commenting style altogether, in favor of an all-rounded comment that deals with story formation, characters and the likes, only stopping for quirks that are too blatantly obvious. It would be much more helpful that way, right?
Now then, IKKIMASU!
1) Prologue
First thing first:
quote:
“I’m sorry EVA, could you run that by me again?” a deep, dark, almost but not quite demonic voice asked.
Is that EVA Unit 00, 01 or 02? Can I page for Shinji Ikari?
quote:
The room the figure was in was a rather large circular room, with a 100 foot radius. The voluptuous room was not of any artificial construction, rather, it was a giant chamber inside a vast cave system. At the same time, the room was decorated with a very “sci-fi” feel to it:
Now there, you may need a little working here. What is the meaning of "very 'sci-fi'"? It is a rather generic terms that those acquainted with the genre can get used to, but for those who know little about the genre, they demand more than that. Perhaps a more descriptive, but simple 'modern' or 'post-modern' can clean up this "tell, not show" tendency. The same for the sentence right after that: "war room" look can be changed into something else.
quote:
“Uhhhhh… yeah, it’s cool. It has that sci-fi feel with an all natural touch. It’s like some bizarre fusion of magic and technology” the human responded, his voice a typical baritone, not sounding in any way like a “nerd”, as his appearance would suggest otherwise.
Along the same lines: "Nerdy" in the place of "like a nerd".
Overall comment: By the name of Lelouch, this is quite the new take on the Grim Reaper (I wish I'd written this before the end of Code Geass R2 to make it an unfunny aneurism). Grim Reaper with a sci-fi-setting, AI and an extrasystemic transportation system. I can say I'm seeing where this is going. But then again, next chapter:
2) Chapter 1
quote:
“Alright, you come from a world where science has been the mainstay of “progress” of your species. The humans of this world have discovered magic, and as such have not found a need to advance technologically. Therefore, the setting here is comparative to that of your world’s “Middle Ages”. This has it’s own ups and downs, but I’ll leave that for you to discover” Grim explained, the projector displaying various pictures to match what he was talking about.
*Raise hand*
I'vee heard this quote somewhere: "Sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic". Taking it this way, magic is a form of meta-technology, and vice versa. Case in point: The Lambda Drive in Full Metal Panic can be comprehended as a form of magical Limit Break (Darn Shoji Gatoh for beating me to it). That is why I find this line kind of odd. But again, your call.
quote:
“The Goddesses also decided the orbs needed some way of directly interacting with Tipa, as well as guardians of the Spheres. That is what a Reaper is. Our duty is to help make sure there’s some sort of balance on this rock, as well as make sure that the “will of the Spheres” is carried out when need be.
quote:
When I was the Reaper of Death, I loved going around as a skeleton, and when I got bumped up to Reaper of Ultima, I kept the look.
Another point of dispute that may cause incessant snarking here: If a Reaper's job is primarily a temple guardian as described, why call him a Reap <sic> -er? Wouldn't some more encompassing titles like "Guardian" more befitting? But then again, we'll leave mythological gags later. Even more when that has to deal with the name of your work in its entirety...
Overall comment: You know, there was no reason for you to keep this chapter apart from the first - the scene hasn't even switched even. As a result, a reader can't help but feel that both of them effectively serve as a dual prologues instead of two separated chapters. Also, try to incorporate more description between dialogue. At the current state, your chapter layout resembles the revelation chapters of the light novel of Haruhi Suzumiya in a not very positive way - overflowing with dialogue with little in between. You see where I am coming from?
But overall, the very part I find troubling can be seen as creativity. And indeed that, coupled with well-placed humor, is about the aspect you have done best. Not to mention alternative explanation for pretty much everything else considered to be set-in-stone staples for fantasy.
quote:
“Actually Sir, you have 6,493,294 acts of misconduct on your record. It is indeed possible that this was a punishment for you” EVA responded.
Nice work, Yui-sama, nice work indeed (Neon Evangelion Genesis reference).
Now then, let's see what else Necro/Cid Highwind has to go through before he becomes someone along the lines of Haruhi Suzumiya, so...
3) Chapter 2
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EVA, the Electronic Voice Assistant, is the AI for the computer that runs this base.
Aww, no love for the Evangelions?
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“Consider this your status menu for your life. It displays your stats, health, mana, etc. Yes, it DOES also tell time, but you have to push the buttons in the right sequence. I’ll explain the watch later. That watch can do many things, such as scan and analyze stuff, translate, contact others with watches on if your telepathy doesn’t work…”
This time it was Necro’s turn to interrupt Grim. “Whoa, whoa whoa! Telepathy? And speaking of translation, how are we speaking the same language so easily?”
“Oh, simple. When you were brought here, I cast a spell that made the common tongue of our land sound like your primary language. In return, when you speak in your primary language, it sounds like common tongue to us. Sadly, as I have limited power, my spell doesn’t include other dialects like Dwarvish and such, but the watches should take care of that. Yes, you do have the capability for telepathy, but that’s at least a level 20 spell. You’re only level 1 buddy. Got to crawl before you can run boy.”
So it is literally a video game-themed combat training? Great minds think alike, or so it seems. *cough*My project of Epic of the Qingslayer...*cough*
quote:
And so they did, 567 times until it was well past 9 PM, as Tipa had a orbit and rotation conveniently like Earth’s.
This is... may I say, a somewhat unwise move. The reasons are multiple (i) This is a sort of "Tell, not show" exposition, something we should always avoid, (ii) You can always say "X hours passed" to save the time and effort of lampshading, (iii) Readers are always ready to suspend their disbelief in the flow of the story anyway, but by suddenly remindign them of this, you are cutting their suspension of disbelief, as in, unintentionally convincing those who would have normally ignored that part to start asking questions. This, my friend, is something to be avoided.
Overall Comment: I like the video game format - you seem to be handling this far better than I did when I was doing the same thing. One advice I would like to give you when you follow this line of construct though: Try not to use too much numbers and statistics unless they are meaningful. They can, and will mess with the flow of the story big time. Been there, undergone that, my friend.
So there, I'll take a break for the day right here after the 2nd chapter.
A friendly suggestion is that I suggest you go visit a Mary Sue litmus test some time to make sure Necro is on the correct path. You see, as you've made him a literal demigod, that kind of quirk could shoot his Mary Sue score skyhigh, and the litmus test can give you some headway on revision if you feel you need it somehow.
One last thing before concluding: You've got a good beginning, UPP. Just keep in mind the chaptering, the pacing and add more description, and you're all set. To be honest, your story is a fresh change for me. I'm getting friggin' tired with the friggin' fox on the friggin' Kanon melodrama!
< Message edited by Argeus the Paladin -- 8/25/2009 4:09:23 >
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