Aurauris
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Heylloes, Madame Gingkage! Here’s a few tidbits I found while reading your most recent chapter. All in all, I’ve found your story most interesting despite not having a set plot. It’s a delightful puzzle for me to learn things about Aura Readers and Wolf Riders alongside the rest of the characters each step of the way. :3
Here goes!
quote:
After a moment, Gingkage added in a slightly sharper tone, “you can put your arrows away now. . .”
To my grammatical knowledge, this can be capitalized, since Gingkage is speaking a new sentence.
Ex: “‘You can put your arrows away now . . .’”
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quote:
Slowly, Immeral returned her arrows, still not certain that the wolf rider could be trusted.
You write this title in a myriad of ways throughout your story:
Chapter 16: “'You’d be surprised at how little poisons affect me,' Gingkage said wearily. 'Wolf Riders tend to have stronger resistance to it,' she continued . . ."
Chapter 17: "Gingkage looked closely at Immeral for a moment, long enough to make her wonder if the wolf-rider saw her anxiety, before shaking her head ‘no.’"
Chapter 18: "So it was the wolf rider who was shaking her."
It’s perfectly fine in and of itself if you want to style the title differently each time. However, if you’re looking for cleanliness and consistency in your writing, I’d pick one and stick with it. Personally, I think “Wolf Rider” is the most elegant of the three. ^ u^
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quote:
It would be quicker and easier, and I’m certain that, if I so desired, I could spell my dagger so that it never dulled, never weakened, and never tarnished.
There are a bunch of commas in this sentence; maybe separate this phrase from the rest of the sentence with a few en dashes?
Ex: “‘ . . . and I’m certain that – if I so desired – I could spell my dagger . . .’”
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quote:
I was raised to complete a task myself, instead of using a shortcut to finish it, even when my potential as a mage was discovered, using my own skills and not my magic was stressed.
This phrase seems a bit out of place in the middle of a sentence, and makes it rather lengthy. I’d split it into two.
Ex: “‘I was raised to complete a task myself, instead of using a shortcut to finish it. Even when my potential as a mage was discovered, using my own skills and not my magic was stressed.’”
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quote:
The fact that it’s more rewarding to me to actually feel the whetstone in my hand, hear the ring of metal as the whetstone is run along the blade, and know that when my dagger is sharp, it is because of something that I did, and not because I used an easier way, is really just an added bonus.”
I got a little lost in here since your subject, “fact”, and verb, “is”, are so far apart. I might reunite the two parts.
Ex: “It’s really just an added bonus and much more rewarding to actually feel . . . and not because I used an easier way.’”
-=-=-=-
quote:
After a long moment of silence, even the ringing of the dagger was gone, Gingkage sighed.
There’s a couple of ways you might edit this one.
Ex 1: "After a long moment of silence, even the ringing of the dagger was gone, and Gingkage sighed."
Ex 2: "After a long moment of silence – even the ringing of the dagger was gone – Gingkage sighed."
-=-=-=-
quote:
That last bit was said without Gingkage even looking at the Loremaster.
This sentence seems a bit unsteady, and I feel it holds the potential to pack a more powerful imagery-punch to fully express Gingkage’s firm admonition.
Ex: “‘ . . . I’m going to burn it.’ The Wolf Rider’s gaze never lifted from Immeral despite the vehemence of her words to the Loremaster.”
-=-=-=-
quote:
And despite a strong love of books and hatred of those who harmed them in any way, protecting the secrets of her home was more important to her.
I think the sentence sounds a bit more confident of an explanation for Gingkage’s protectiveness without the “and” here, and you might add in Gingkage’s name with so many “she”s and “her”s throughout this paragraph.
Ex: "Despite a strong love of books and hatred of those who harmed them in any way, protecting the secrets of her home was more important to Gingkage."
-=-=-=-
quote:
“About the meditation, when can I start learning?” Immeral asked.
You might put a dash or colon here to help with phrases that seem a little disjointed.
Ex: “‘About the meditation – when can I start learning?’ Immeral asked.”
-=-=-=-
quote:
Reluctantly, Immeral settle back down on her bedding and, despite believing herself to be fully awake, fell asleep almost immediately.
One last little revision! – “settled”
-=-=-=-
Once again, wonderful, wonderful job, madame. Your next chapter will be well worth the wait, regardless of time. *Applauds brightly and awards you her Golden Muffin of the Day* C:
< Message edited by Aurauris -- 4/27/2013 19:03:12 >
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