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Oblitus Animus - Forgotten Souls

 
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2/6/2013 0:32:38   
Victoria3114
Member

Here it is!

It's basically a fiction about how our Oversoul character, the Oversoul, came to be. I took the information from an interview Nulgath gave.

Soo, constructive criticism is always welcome! Please tell me if there's anything I could improve... it's my first time writing on these boards.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 1
2/6/2013 20:56:00   
araxia
Member

Very nice story! I have a few errors to point out though.

quote:

They all shivered, feeling the heat being leeched from their bodies ever second as they struggled with their armor and armaments.

They all shivered, feeling the heat being leeched from their bodies every second as they struggled with their armor and armaments.

quote:

Like his undead, he didn’t seem to notice.

Notice what? That his cape's flapping in the wind? The undead don't wear capes. I propose: Like his undead, he didn’t seem to notice the chilling rain.

quote:

Usually I would not head into battle myself; my followers have collected my meals for me.

Usually I would not head into battle myself; my followers collect my meals for me.

quote:

Nulgath ignored the fearful hostility, gently scraping and nomming until he was satisfied that here wasn’t anything edible left.

Nulgath ignored the fearful hostility, gently scraping and nomming until he was satisfied that there wasn’t anything edible left.

quote:

With deathly finality, he raised his arm, and it caught with blue fire. With some ominous cracking noises, several Legion Titans rose from the ground to flank him.

Technically, this isn't any sort of error. But I think it's sort of repetitious with the two "with"s. I propose this:
With deathly finality, the figure raised his arm, and his hand caught with blue fire. Ominous creaking noises pierced the air as several Legion Titans rose from the ground to flank him.

quote:

The rain was unrelenting. He squinted as the water clouded his vision, and continued running as the army around him charged forward. He knew battle was about to commence, and he was wishing he had never been here.

The rain was unrelenting. He squinted as the water clouded his vision, and continued running as the army around him charged forward. He knew battle was about to commence, and he wished he didn't have to be here.
That's jumping between two tenses. Acceptable in some situations, but not as much in this wording. Speaking of which, perhaps you should change the wording a bit too. At first, I thought you were describing Dage, who isn't bothered by the rain and feels a certain satisfaction at war. Then I realized you were describing the Oversoul.

quote:

Their main objective was to lure the Archfiend to the gate; their secondary one was to stay alive. It did not include attacking the archfiend.

Yes it did. I remember Dage saying:
quote:

"I command you all to attack Nulgath directly, and lure him closer to the Oblivion Gate."


Sorry for shooting down your story so much and for having such a long post >:D

< Message edited by araxia -- 2/7/2013 19:26:41 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 2
2/7/2013 20:47:56   
Victoria3114
Member

Thank you for the corrections. They have been fixed.
I'm sort of thinking about how to structure the next few chapters. Maybe spend a few days writing an outline... I wrote this first chapter on a whim. xP
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 3
2/7/2013 21:55:46   
Beck
Member

That was a surprisingly good read! You've got a way with words, able to clearly convey emotions with an economic use of words. That's hard to find in fanfiction.
I also liked the idea that Dage's officers are known by which weapon they wield; that may explain why it's so freaking hard to get any of those weapons in AQW - they only have one wielder at a time.
Nothing major, but there were some minor spelling and grammar issues. Sorry, I can't be more specific, but the only one I remember clearly after reading is that you spelled Dilligaf wrong.
Your only other weak point I can spot is dialogue, but then again there really hasn't been a conversation yet.

If you write more, I'd be interested in reading it!
Scenes I'm looking forward to: the Angel NPC explaining about possession, and the Oversoul possessing a Revonthurkey/Rev Egg. Actually, an explanation for why the heck there are Revonthurkeys and Rudolphteus at all would be super funny.
AQW  Post #: 4
2/8/2013 20:30:13   
araxia
Member

^^ I agree, you should write more often. By the way, is the next chapter going to be this long? Or was the first chapter long simply because it was introductory?

< Message edited by araxia -- 2/8/2013 20:32:14 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 5
2/8/2013 21:34:03   
Victoria3114
Member

This is long? Compared to what I write on Fanfiction.net, this is short O.o
I'm writing the second chapter right now. If I'm diligent, I can get it in tonight.
Here's my FF.net profile if you wanna look: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/2181529/
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 6
2/8/2013 22:49:56   
araxia
Member

Wait, you mean the second chapter for this, or the first chapter for your Artificial Mirror story on the fanfic.net thingy?

Also, found this in there:
quote:

The wielder of the Jugement Hammer suddenly screamed before a disgusting *Slish* sound could be heard.

The wielder of the Judgement Hammer suddenly screamed before a disgusting *Slish* sound could be heard.

EDIT: Oh wait nvm, it's the second chapter here and seventh chapter there O.o Didn't realize those little line thingies were chapters.


Double post, guys. Sorry. Anyways, you're supposed to add the story and discussion link to the Fanfic Signup Thread so they can index it.

In the L&L work disccusion forums only the original poster may double post and ONLY to announce an update made to the story. Please use the Edit button instead next time, thank you. ~DD

< Message edited by Dwelling Dragonlord -- 2/9/2013 11:16:31 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 7
2/8/2013 23:52:22   
Victoria3114
Member

@ Araxia
Thanks, I've posted it there. Also posted a second chapter here, may post another tomorrow.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 8
2/9/2013 8:06:18   
_Arceus_
Creative!


First of all, I'd like to say what a very good story this is and second, I didn't think someone can write a story that good.
Anyways, here's a few errors:
quote:

His line of eyes glowed in the darkness, red orbs alighting upon the small detachment of Legionaries.

His line of eyes glowed in the darkness, red orbs alighting upon the small detachment of Legionnaires.
quote:

His head suddenly snapped up as the wielder of the Judgment Scythe cried out and fell.

His head suddenly snapped up as the wielder of the Judgement Scythe cried out and fell.
quote:

He watched the birds flutter through the green branches hanging overhead for a while, the sighed.

He watched the birds flutter through the green branches hanging overhead for a while, he sighed.


That's all (well, what I saw at least). Keep up the excellent work!


Please read my story:
Escaping Death
Legend of Arceus


< Message edited by _Arceus_ -- 2/18/2013 7:50:19 >
AQ AQW Epic  Post #: 9
2/9/2013 21:41:20   
Beck
Member

*pets sad Frogzard*
Aww... don't worry guys, in some version of Heaven, there's a spot for you!

Founder Adept has joined your Party! Yay! Good choice of character there. And apparently they look like Paladins, and basically every male nomad ever? Will the main character recognize the Purified Claymore of Light from his time in Lore?
But if a body has to be dying for you to possess it, how are ya gonna explain Sonja, if that ever happens?

Good work! Have some Author Treats *cookie*
Hope to see an update soon!
AQW  Post #: 10
2/10/2013 12:02:42   
araxia
Member

Only two this time, only two.

quote:

The power displayed before him reminded him that the Soul Eater Advance was gone.

The power displayed before him reminded him that the Soul Eater Advanced was gone.

quote:

He stared at the knight, puzzeled. “What?”

He stared at the knight, puzzled. “What?”

Nice chapter. But if a soul/body has to be dying to possess it, how do you explain the undead? They don't have any souls and they're already dead.

EDIT: Also, how do you explain the Xmas Fiend? O.o Did Warlic drag a pile of dead bodies to Sleepy Hollow for OverSouls to possess?

< Message edited by araxia -- 2/11/2013 8:01:53 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 11
2/10/2013 12:48:01   
Victoria3114
Member

@ Araxia
Well, defeated. The magic that animates them leaves, leaving behind an empty shell that can be possessed. Similar to a second death.

Also, Sonja doesn't get possessed. In her post-quest dialogue she states she's simply traveling alongside you.

Well, I have to work on my ffnet fiction for a bit, then I'll post next chappy... too busy yesterday >.<
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 12
2/10/2013 22:37:05   
Beck
Member

So when's the next chapter coming out?
And is the main character ever gonna get a name?
AQW  Post #: 13
2/13/2013 21:48:53   
Char
Member

Whoa awesome story! If you can, can you add Little Rascal, an adorable 10 year old that lives in that village.
Post #: 14
2/14/2013 19:54:30   
araxia
Member

@ Little Rascal: Then Little Rascal would be dead. They obliterated the town, remember?
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 15
2/16/2013 19:02:16   
hijinks
Member

This story is simply amazing!
DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 16
2/23/2013 0:55:52   
Victoria3114
Member

Honestly, homework stinks... I will have to work on it at a later date. I still have to update Artificial Mirror, and I have homework just waiting to pounce on me...

...never fear, though, I have the outline for the next chapter done and I'm slowly pecking at it. Battle scene incoming! Woohoo..... I hate homework.
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 17
2/23/2013 22:35:40   
araxia
Member

Yay, she's back! Missed ya!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 18
3/5/2013 11:23:02   
caio_lucas
Member

You are an amazing writer and I think that if you invest on your skills you could have a great carreer :D

Your fanfiction is so amazing it could very well become the official storyline of Oversoul. Very inspirating and made me want to begin writing too! lol

Keep up the good(and incredible) work! o/


I want to see how you're gonna introduce the evolution system *-*
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 19
3/12/2013 23:02:51   
Victoria3114
Member

Alright, I'll be working on chapter three now! Hmm, battle scenes...
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 20
3/13/2013 9:32:49   
caio_lucas
Member

Oh thank God! I thought it was going to be one of those good stories that wound up forgotten. \o/
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 21
3/26/2013 1:12:29   
Victoria3114
Member

Almost done with third chapter. 7000+ words currently.
Patience, young padawans!
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 22
3/27/2013 11:35:36   
caio_lucas
Member

Meh! Can't wait!

< Message edited by caio_lucas -- 3/27/2013 11:39:02 >
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 23
3/28/2013 23:45:44   
Mritha
Legendary AdventureGuide!


From chapter 2
quote:

Groggily, he shuddered, then gently opened his eyes. He watched the birds flutter through the green branches hanging overhead for a while, the sighed. Stretching out an arm, he pushed himself into a sitting position and rubbed his eyes.

then
quote:

The void knight simply calmly straightened, cautiously looking around. It’s icy, dark stare swept over where he lay hidden behind the tree, and he shuddered in sudden realization

Nothing really wrong with this one, but I feel the flow of the sentence could be improved with rewording it. Something like "The void knight simply straightened, calmly and cautiously looking around."

Overall, I'm impressed with your writing. Your choice of wording is uncommon, it adds a more advanced feeling to the story. Good job :)
DF MQ AQW  Post #: 24
3/29/2013 1:22:09   
Victoria3114
Member

And it is UP. GO READ NAO.

*faints*
AQ DF AQW Epic  Post #: 25
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