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RE: MM's Fooetry ~ Comments Thread. 100!

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9/6/2008 12:49:50   
Mistermafio
Member

The ocean

Third one, third day
AQ  Post #: 51
9/6/2008 20:40:49   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 the life of rain

1.
quote:

the life of rain
Shouldn't this be, "The Life of Rain"?

2.
quote:

falling from the sky,
Because this is the beginning of a sentence, I think this should be capitalized, "Falling".

3.
quote:

Landing, exploding, on the floor,
I don't think the bolded comma is needed in this line. It would make sense without it, so I'd take it out.

4.
quote:

and as we’ve bin told
A misspelling, this should be "been".

Critiquing Complete!!!

I'm getting an image of a cycle in my mind.... XD I like it.
AQ DF  Post #: 52
9/6/2008 20:49:57   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 Epheel

1.
quote:

AS we followed the huntress’ track,
This may need to be "As"....

2.
quote:

Live in fright,
for our attack.
I'd remove the comma. It makes an unneeded pause.

3.
quote:

Because if you live in fright
of our anger,
then maybe one night
you’ll have an arrow through your head.
This doesn't make sense to me. If he follows their advice, then he will die. I'd add, "Because if you don't live in fright...."

3.
quote:

So go, go and flee
but please evil Epheel,
I believe that there needs to be commas here, due to grammatical figuration/punctuation:
"So go, go and flee,
but please, evil Epheel,"

Critiquing Complete!!!

Interesting, I take it that you are a warrior...?

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 9/6/2008 20:54:58 >
AQ DF  Post #: 53
9/6/2008 20:54:33   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 Silence

1.
quote:

When everybody stopped to care,
I think "everyone" would flow better here, as FF had said.

2.
quote:

But keep in mind,
what I've just found.
After every silence,
comes a sound.
I don't know if these commas should be taken out. They are grammatically incorrect/unneeded in their placement, but then again, this is poetry. I'm not very good at critiquing poetry....

Critiquing Complete!!!

Strange... this made me think about things....
AQ DF  Post #: 54
9/7/2008 8:03:18   
Mistermafio
Member

I see you have taken my advise and ignored it.
thanks for the comments up to now, I'll go through what I've not changed. Everything else will be changed.

The life of rain

I actually make it a point only to capitalise the first word of every title. So only 'the' will get a capital. Thank you for noticing though.

The comma will be kept as I quite like the pause it implies there.

Epheel

Thank you very much for the edits. I've wanted to look over those older poems like this one better before but never really got to it.

Silence

I'm very sorry, but I don't see everyone flowing better then everybody. So I'm reluctant to change that.

The comma's I'll also keep as I feel they should be there.

Thank you very much for your comments up to now. While I hope you'll get to all of them, please don't feel obligated to do all of them just because you've said so. I'm glad with every comment I get, but I'd prefer it if the people writing the comment were happy about writing it.

AQ  Post #: 55
9/7/2008 9:37:08   
Mistermafio
Member

Smile

^>^
New poem up!
AQ  Post #: 56
9/7/2008 18:26:05   
Mistermafio
Member

I offer you, a trilogy!

Waving: Friends Meet
Shake Hands: Meeting & Greeting
and
Huggle Snuggle: In Friendly Sort of Way

This collaborate poem was brought to you by:
Ana_Maria [ comments thread],
~Shade~ (AKA Sith) [ comments thread] and
Mistermafio [ comments thread].
We hope you've enjoyed it, any comments can be left in either of the comments threads.
AQ  Post #: 57
9/8/2008 17:08:21   
Mistermafio
Member

Today is the day of the one hundreds!

With My job being my one hundredth poem.
And The old writer being my one hundredth post in my poetry thread.

Enjoy^>^

AQ  Post #: 58
9/9/2008 15:10:58   
Mistermafio
Member

The spider

New poem...
Page 5!
AQ  Post #: 59
9/10/2008 13:46:15   
Mistermafio
Member

Once again a new poem is up

"The end of the world is nigh!"
AQ  Post #: 60
9/10/2008 16:32:21   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up, I call it
Emo

I'd also like to accentuate I have nothing against "emo's" or about writing poetry. This is all being said by a fictional person.
As they say, better safe then sorry.
AQ  Post #: 61
9/11/2008 1:37:00   
Angelique
Duchess of DOOM


 I am not very knowledgeable about poetry so I cannot offer you any constructive criticism or anything very much in depth here. But Ana_Maria gave me a link to your Smile poem and I thought it lovely. It did make me smile and gave me a warm feeling. I like how simple it is and how it evoked in me what it asked of me as your reader, if this makes any sense.
I shall definitely read more of your stuff again. :)
AQ DF  Post #: 62
9/11/2008 15:56:03   
Mistermafio
Member

^>^
If I were to ask an in depth analyses from everyone that comments on my poetry, I don't think I would get /any/ comments. Lol.
Plus, sometimes the comments like yours help me more then the in depth stuff.

Heh, that makes perfect sense to me. I'm just glad you enjoyed the poem and that it did what I hoped it would do, it means I'm doing /something/ right at the very least.

I hope you'll enjoy my other stuff as much as you did this, though I must warn you most of it is a tad more depressing (sometimes more then a tad :^P)

Thank you for taking the time to comment.
AQ  Post #: 63
9/11/2008 17:44:39   
Mistermafio
Member

Hidden in my bubble

&&

Thinking about you

Comments appreciated on both.
AQ  Post #: 64
9/12/2008 15:48:39   
Mistermafio
Member

The deal

New poem, my darkest in quite some time IMO
AQ  Post #: 65
9/12/2008 16:38:08   
Eukara Vox
Legendary AdventureGuide!


 I loved this poem. Thought provoking and deep. Wonderful!
AQ DF MQ AQW Epic  Post #: 66
9/12/2008 17:23:40   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you for the comment Euky.

I've told you this, but I feel like sharing it with all the other lost souls who are reading this. Terribly confused with why their favourite author changed his or her name to Mistermafio and what happened to the story that was supposed to be here. (Lol, just kidding. :^P)

The poem originated from a rather deep thought, and I'm glad it can get people to think themselves. That means it does what it's supposed too. ^>^
AQ  Post #: 67
9/13/2008 6:57:43   
PoeticSpanner
Member

Heya MM

Liking your last 6 so far, though I have mixed feelings about "Emo"...

On a more CC&C level:

Much better. Seems ya getting better at figuring out which word to use in a pair of homophones/homonyms. Also seems ya getting better at conveying deeper thoughts too...
Liking how ya can be sunny and rainy. Glad ya not stuck on rainy though. >.<
Post #: 68
9/13/2008 18:50:47   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you Ana, I appreciate you take the time to give me a coment. ^>^

What do you mean with mixed feelings, though? Would you want to explain that a bit more, perhaps by pm if you don't want it on here.

I'm glad you liked my past 6, I agree with you on the figuring out and thoughts thing too. I've been getting some great help lately. ^>^



New poem up!

Tell me
AQ  Post #: 69
9/14/2008 12:06:04   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up, many thanks to Ana_Maria for the title and inspiration behind the piece. ^>^

Ode to a hunk of junk
AQ  Post #: 70
9/15/2008 15:28:50   
Mistermafio
Member

New poem up!

You speak
AQ  Post #: 71
9/16/2008 9:34:07   
  Master Samak
Productive!
Steward Leprechaun
L&L


 loneliness

1.
quote:

loneliness
Should this be capitalized?

2.
quote:

I think about it,
Would this be considered as "Thinking" instead? I'm just saying this because the next line will have "I" in it....

Critiquing Complete!!!

This was rather solemn... I wonder what you were thinking when you made this. I thought:
quote:

and with a certain flair,
was very cleverly worded, for some reason. I liked this one, well, as I do with all of your poems.... :)



Oh, brother

1.
quote:

I throw my work in the bin.
This has more syllables than the other three lines here, which is fine, but I felt that I should notice it. I don't know if it's possible to change this at all, but... yeah....

2.
quote:

Angry, about everyone,
Is this bolded comma necessary? In my opinion, the line would work fine without it.

3.
quote:

and he begins his attack.
There's nothing wrong, it's just that you already used "begin" in the poem. Perhaps "starts" or "launches"? I'm for the second one.

4.
quote:

but in the time that took
I do get that there is an emphasis on "that", else this line would be incomplete. However, I don't know if it's immediately understood by the reader, which could lessen the "build" on the poem, if that makes sense. I would add, "...time that it took"

5.
quote:

he lands on my head
now things get bad.
Are these two lines supposed to rhyme? If so, then maybe instead: "and now he's dead.", or something like that? If not, then just ignore this....

6.
quote:

With an explosion of power,
I push him from me.
only to be attacked by the stench
of two weeks no shower.
Should this period be a comma? I was thrown off a bit while reading this.

7.
quote:

As I try to give him a little tick,
Should this be "kick"? I'm leaning towards that.

8.
quote:

“oh no Rik!”
Just because this is dialogue, and the start of it, I have to mention that it probably should be something like this, "Oh no, Rick!"

Critiquing Complete!!!

I enjoyed this poem. It was light, fun, and... well, enjoyable.

You'll have to forgive me if the vast majority of my critiques here aren't that good. Poetry is likely the hardest for me to critique, simply because I don't know the meaning that the poet makes. Is this comma supposed to be here for added effect, even though it's technically incorrect? That kind of thing.

But these look interesting and I hope that I'll be able to read more (all of them, eventually XD) soon.

Master Samak

< Message edited by Master Samak -- 9/21/2008 11:36:27 >
AQ DF  Post #: 72
9/16/2008 17:00:22   
Mistermafio
Member

Thank you so much again MS.
I don't really have the time to edit everything but I will as soon as possible. I'll look further into your post then aswel.

For now all I can really do is to present you all a Love poem
AQ  Post #: 73
9/17/2008 17:08:00   
Mistermafio
Member

>.<

I had a very busy day so I can't go deeper into your comments today either. I feel kinda bad about it MS.

I'll quickly post this new poem before I'll disappear again. <.<

Writing a feeling
AQ  Post #: 74
9/17/2008 17:29:27   
Firefly
Lore-ian


 Very realistic, wonderful flow, and very beautiful. Nice addition. You just keep getting better and better. ^_^ I won't even try to critique this.
AQ  Post #: 75
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