demolitiondragon
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You owe me nothing. I, however, owe you a critique or two now holidays are on. ;]
Chapter 1, Second post
1.quote:
”Then what about classes?”
The " is around the wrong way at the start. Minor thing, but... =P
2.quote:
said Lanceler with a seemingly calm expression, but one in which Ryan could pick up the ‘panic’ Lanceler was feeling.
Need comma, and "had" could be replaced with better words.
3.quote:
“We can-” Ryan stressed out his last word as he lifted a heavy scoop from the hole. “-worry about it later.”
4.quote:
A large stone pillar with unreadable inscriptions was left half-buried at the bottom of it.
A suggested inclusion.
5.quote:
A large stone pillar with unreadable inscriptions was left half-buried.
6.quote:
Each of the two struck the pillar, giving it a dent for them to hold on to.
Now wait just one minute. That pillar is stone. Stone doesn't "dent". Also, their tools wouldn't have been able to do much damage to said stone.
7.quote:
They lifted it, then Ryan then thrust it to the side of the hole as he waited for Lanceler to squeeze himself under it and push it from the bottom with his palms.
8.quote:
The force he exerted on carrying the weight caused him to stress out each word as well.
9.quote:
I don’t want tetanus...
Tetanus comes from rusty metal. Not rocks.
10.quote:
You only say that as if you’re the top athlete in school.
"because" perhaps?
11.quote:
He examined it as he bent his legs to match up to its height.
The "up" is contradictory.
12.quote:
He stared into his friend's eyes with a cold, harsh look.
Two "him"s, so ou have to be careful to specify which you mean.
13.quote:
Ryan, being tempered, couldn’t restrain his anger.
14.quote:
He tried to, and succeeded for a while.
"A while" is two words, and you need a comma.
15.quote:
After all, not getting mad in under twenty seconds was an accomplishment for him.
16.quote:
“Nothing.” his friend finished off, seeming as if he pretended to have already forgotten about their conflict.
17.quote:
Ryan leaned on his back against with the pillar for support.
18.quote:
There was a blinding flash.
Greater impact.
19.quote:
The next thing that the brunet had noticed was that he was laying on the ground and that the relic had disappeared.
20.quote:
However, he wasn’t moving; it had seemed to Ryan that he had been frozen in time.
21.quote:
He heard a dialect he was unfamiliar with in his mind.
Need to specify where the voice was coming from. This is a guess.
22.quote:
The ominous voice seemed to belong to a woman.
23.quote:
Ryan scanned the area, moving only his eyes.
24.quote:
Leaves that should have landed on the ground hung suspended in midair.
Not a good idea to use abbreviations outside of speech, usually.
25.quote:
Begin the puzzle by turning and twisting the rows and columns of the cube located on your left.
26.quote:
Somehow he understood the new words that echoed from all over the place.
Ah. So the voice is like a voice-over.
27.quote:
The exhaling grin on his face dissolved to a dropped jaw as his head turned.
Perhaps "relaxed" or "easy" would be better.
28.quote:
What was caught in his sight was a 20x20 square cube.
"The referred-to cube had twenty columns and twenty rows." maybe? That's a lot... Wait... How big are the squares?
29.quote:
Each square was half an inch in length.
Need to say this earlier, when he's observing the rows and columns, or just say how long the whole side is.
30.quote:
Therefore, the cube was one thousand cubic inches in volume.
We don't need to know this.
31.quote:
He was about to give up… but then he remembered what was promised by solving this almost unsolvable puzzle- the power to make his wishes come true.
32.quote:
You have the power to revive any action from the existence of the forgotten…
Should this be "past"?
33.quote:
Though, from his angle, only one side could be seen; the picture was a golden eye.
34.quote:
His vision was then shifted to a different time.
35.quote:
“Heh, I’ll just copy what I see, then…”
36.quote:
After twenty minutes, Ryan deactivated his Vision and wiped the perspiration from his hands on his uniform.
37.quote:
After fifty-seven turns... there was another flash.
Did he finish the puzzle? You need to say that- very important.
38.quote:
His body dropped to the ground; he was unconscious.
They're outdoors. No floor.
39.quote:
As he got up, he noticed that he was holding a necklace with a yellow stone, colored to match the hue of his left eye when his Vision was activated.
He can't see his own eye, so he wouldn't know that it turns a funny colour.
40.quote:
He didn’t care to think about it at the moment, though.
41.quote:
“I… I have the power,” breathed Ryan as he stared at his right palm and held his wrist with his other hand.
More descriptive.
Shouldn't Lanceler have remarked upon the disappearance of the stone, and Ryan's fainting?
Post 3 of Ch 1
42.quote:
The trail they walked on wasn’t a compacted layer of soil anymore.
What was it, then?
43.quote:
Lanceler took a deep breath and exhaled through his nose.
44.quote:
They both turned around and caught sight of a dark beast behind them.
Site = place. Sight = seeing.
45.quote:
If it wasn't for the cold wind, Ryan would've shivered in fear.
Why not? They have different causes, even if it does produce the one effect.
46.quote:
“I don’t know… but playing dead is a bad idea.
I disagree. It's a very good idea.
47.quote:
“But, my pickaxe could use another workout.”
Aw... Poor bear!
48.quote:
The two lifted their ‘weapons’ from the back of their shoulders and held them defensively: their arms grasping on their weapons’ handles as their bladed parts were ready to block any physical blow.
49.quote:
Our powers work differently though.”
Lanceler must know a ot about the Visions, then?
50.quote:
replied Lanceler. “Yet, my movements are affected by it as well.
51.quote:
Though when my power is activated, I can only think and see at ten times even the greatest athletes' and geniuses' capacity–– Now go!”
52.quote:
Getting up and staring at the crippled beast that had caused them to nearly lose their lives, Ryan said, “Let’s finish it!”
Assuming that is why they have time to look at it. Also, "lives" not "loves".
53.quote:
Lanceler remained silent while he mercifully watched a tear glint in the beast’s eyes.
Nothing merciful about it, or what he does afterward. I'm fairly sure you'd get a jail term for leaving an animal like that in our country. Maybe I'm just a heavily biased animal-lover.
54.quote:
Breaking the solemn moment, Lanceler told him, “We’re headed to your place, 'kay?”
55.quote:
Try to understand your power, its weaknesses and how to use it,” interrupted Lanceler.
56.quote:
“Will do.”
57.quote:
Ryan touched his forehead with his right pointing and middle fingers as he closed his right eye.
Right what? Pointing to what? And middle fingers what?
Chapter 2, First post
58.quote:
There wasn’t much to see, though.
59.quote:
Crammed houses, small clinics, a tavern, an inn, a chapel, and a school were the only buildings available.
60.quote:
There were a few trees, a pair on every street corner.
61.quote:
The two started to walk, but their rivalry tempted Ryan to run, starting a race.
62.quote:
To make things interesting, the two tried doing stunts like pivoting their bodies with their arms on vendors' stalls and benches as they lifted their legs to the other side.
A bit of parkour.
63.quote:
A brunette, who was nearly the same height as Ryan and Lanceler, leaned on a lamp pole.
It sounds like you might be referring to two other men.
64.quote:
She was wearing a checkered skirt of dark green and red, and a blue blazer.
Is she wearing a shirt underneath the blazer? If so, "and a blue blazer over the top of a ____ shirt." ?
65.quote:
She appeared to have red eyes, although they were just coloured contacts.
66.quote:
She also wore a small, fiery red gem around her neck to embellished her appearance.
67.quote:
The expressions on her face and the words that could’ve been read indicated that she was struggling to prove something.
68.quote:
It would have been embarrassing on her part if any passers-by were to see what was going on.
69.quote:
And guess what?
A question, albeit a rhetorical one.
70.quote:
The only fingerprints on it were yours.”
71.quote:
“Hey, Dee,” Ryan called as he waved his right arm from left to right.
72.quote:
Danielle Derem opened her mouth, but before any words could come out, the officer spoke.
73.quote:
The FBI agent folded her arms and spoke with a deceptive yet confident voice.
Why deceptive? Why is she trying to decieve them?
74.quote:
As she answered him, Ryan didn’t look at her.
75.quote:
“I didn’t do it. Trust me; I’m telling the—” the brunette interrupted as she straightened her standing position.
76.quote:
All evidence at the crime scene leads to you:
77.quote:
A grudge against your mom after an argument a few weeks ago, and your fingerprints.”
78.quote:
Facing the grownup woman, he said, “Umm… I’m really good at finding and analyzing clues.
79.quote:
“In that case, I’ll give you four hours to prove her innocence.
Not exactly professional behaviour.
80.quote:
Upon reading the letter he had received, and scanning through the words, Ryan said
81.quote:
Offers such as these gave Ryan a reason to wonder if his relatives just wanted his wealth.
82.quote:
By law, the legal guardian of any minor would inherit the ownership of his or her dependant if the dependant were to die.
83.quote:
As long as he didn’t have a guardian, all Ryan’s possessions would go to the people written on his will.
84.quote:
The key to the said box was attached to a keychain mirror which Ryan had attached to his belt strap.
85.quote:
He followed Lanceler as he entered through the door.
86.quote:
If I'm not mistaken, you even killed your sister.
87.quote:
“Ryan, don’t you think it’s strange for the FBI to know that much?
88.quote:
There was no reply though.
89.quote:
Ryan couldn't hear the present once his Vision was active. He could only sees and hears what happened in the past.
Keep the tense consistant. That was infodump.
90.quote:
Wind blew through a window left open that night, making the curtains dance.
91.quote:
A hand then gripped on the window’s edge from the outside.
92.quote:
After that, she left the corpse there with the weapon piercing two inches of the body, and exited.
Sounded like she left the katana stuck in herself.
93.quote:
“The culprit was wearing a mask. But Danielle didn’t do it,” replied Ryan.
You need to say that he ended his vision before Lanceler talks to him. Otherwise, you're breaking your own rule. I also suggest you describe the room they are in- furniture and the like.
94.quote:
Pheona pushed her long strands of hair over her shoulder.
May also want to state the colour.
95.quote:
There was no way that you could’ve seen what happened.”
Au contrare. They cut classes that DAY, so no-one knew where they were. They didn't come back at night... but who would've known if they did or not? In short, her excuse doesn't stand up.
96.quote:
Don’t even bother of getting a lawyer; you’d just be a waste both of our time.”
Theoretically, she can't say that. Anyone can get a lawyer to represent them. If she believes she's innocent, she has the right to defend herself.
97.quote:
Again… she knows too much. I’ve never met this person before but she knows that I cut school, Lanceler spoke in his head.
Need to un-italicize the bold.
98.quote:
Ryan tried shouting, “Hey, fingerprints are nothing! People have gloves, ya know!”
99.quote:
The officer opened her mouth, almost saying a word, but gave no response in the end.
100.quote:
If Ryan had seen her face, he would have known that she couldn’t answer him back.
101.quote:
Thus, embarrassing herself because of a seventeen-year old.
Hehe... now THAT's something. I made a lawyer look like a total idiot in court when I was 16... *drifts off happily in the memory* Ah, good times... *remembers the critique* ...but we won't get into all that now, will we? =P
102.quote:
Decieved into thinking that Officer Pheona had all the facts she needed, Danielle retreated to her room, sobbing as she ascended through the varnished stairs.
103.quote:
She threw herself hard onto her bed.
104.quote:
As Ryan, who was heading back to his house, crossed him, Lanceler turned around and followed.
How about, "Ryan crossed in front of him on his way back to his house. Lanceler turned around and followed."?
Well, it's well past midnight (and this is a good place to stop), so I better go.
*salutes and disappears in a swirl of white fire*
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